“Friendship is a critical aspect of most people’s lives. The majority of us really need social connection,” says Marcia Gibson, a clinical psychologist with Marcia S. Gibson and Associates in Bolingbrook. “We’re wired for it.”
Friends can bring comfort, support, new interests and a way to get out of your own head, Gibson said. Friendship also can improve your health.
Yet, across the demographic spectrum, Americans are struggling to make and keep friends.
Chronic illness, special needs, loss of a spouse, relocating for a job, leaving the workforce to raise children: Many sets of circumstances can get in the way of friendships.
The result is an epidemic of loneliness. More adults are living alone, and more report having fewer friends.
In recent surveys, more Americans than ever report feeling lonely. They admit to having fewer close friendships than they once did, this despite post-pandemic efforts to reclaim lost relationships or grow new ones, and they are not happy about it.
The National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine (NASEM; nap.nationalacademies), reports in its “Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adults” study that more than one-third of adults age 45 or older say they feel lonely and nearly one-fourth of adults age 65 and older are considered socially isolated.
And, according to the Survey Center on American Life’s May 2021 American Perspectives Survey (www.americansurveycenter.org/research/the-state-of-american-friendship-change-challenges-and-loss), the number of close friends people say they have has declined over the past few decades.
In 1990, 33% of the survey’s respondents said they had 10 or more close friends while 3% reported not having any. Today, 13% claim to have 10 or more close friends while 12% report not having any. Most people fall in the middle but almost everyone experienced a strain on friendships during the COVID-19 pandemic, the survey states.
About half said of the respondents said they are satisfied with the number of friends they have, while 30% are only somewhat satisfied and 17% are not.
Gibson said loneliness can cause stress and contribute to heart disease and high blood pressure.
“When there’s a lot of stress, cortisone levels rise. And if they stay raised too long, that can compromise our immune system,” she said.
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Older adults who are socially isolated are at 50% increased risk of dementia, according to the NASEM study, particularly if they have a chronic illness or hearing loss.
People with dementia are encouraged to interact with others, even though they may be inclined to isolate, Gibson said.
And lest you think loneliness is the bastion of old age, many school kids are alone in a crowd, she said.
“Kids need to feel like they belong. This became really evident during COVID. We saw so much of this in our practice and we’re still seeing it. Parents are calling because their kids are anxious or depressed,” she said.
“Sure, kids go to school to learn but another really important aspect of school is to develop a sense of self and develop social skills. All of that was taken away when kids had to learn from a screen,” she said.
How to make friends?
Learn social skills
When parents show others love and respect, and model effective ways to deal with emotions and anxiety, they teach their children how to be a friend, Gibson said.
“The type of parent you are affects your kid’s ability to make friends,” she said.
“Some kids have certain deficits in social skills, such as ADHD, but these are things that can be worked with,” she said. “If a parent notices aggressive behavior, for example, they need to address it. Not many people will put up with being treated aggressively.”
Adults need to recognize and appreciate the value of reciprocity.
“It’s not all about you. Ask how the other person is,” she said. “When one person dominates, that can break a relationship. Reciprocity is a skill that can be learned.”
Be a joiner
Start with playgroups, a win-win for both children and parents, Gibson said. And move on to organized activities, such as sports, park districts, libraries and social clubs, such as the YMCA and senior groups.
Understand social media’s impact
“Sure, there’s a positive — so much information at the tip of our fingers — but social media is really creating isolation and loneliness, and it can have devastating effects on mental health,” she said.
Social media gives people a false sense of connection, she said. “People are having online relationships, not going out as much, not connecting in person as much. Some people just sit in front of social media all day but it’s not the same as socially interacting. There’s got to be more of a balance. We really need to connect physically, emotionally, in person,” she said.
Get out of yourself
“Put yourself out there. That’s the No. 1 thing. I get that we might not be comfortable,” Gibson said.
“But there’s a saying: ‘Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone.’ Staying in that box does not necessarily forge an opportunity for new, cool things to happen.”
Donna Vickroy is an award-winning reporter, editor and columnist who worked for the Daily Southtown for 38 years.