Parenting is one of the hardest jobs adults have right now, said Gabrielle Roberts, a pediatric psychologist at Advocate Christ Medical Center in Oak Lawn.
It’s a tall order to address what can seem like constant conflict, information overload and horrific events while maintaining and cultivating a sense of safety, hope and positivity, she said.
The task often seems overwhelming, but with a few tools, parents can mitigate the scariest and elevate the joy of childhood, she said.
First of all, Roberts said, remember that stress is a normal part of life and it is not all bad. If we didn’t have stress, she said, we wouldn’t show up on time for anything, our work product would be horrible and we wouldn’t score a goal in soccer.
“Stress is motivating and gets us moving,” she said. “It’s when we become overwhelmed by it that we need to make changes and intervene.”
Still, she added, “We do know through the stats that we’re seeing higher rates of anxiety in children and teens today. That’s real.”
Thankfully, there’s also a heightened awareness about mental health and its impact on all of us, especially kids, she said. Talking about mental health is the first step toward improving it.
Even when the world seems determined to break our resolve, there are things parents can do to instill strength and coping skills in their children.
First of all, control what comes into your home environment. Yes, Roberts said, it’s important to stay abreast of what’s happening in the world, but “be mindful of what your children are seeing. Don’t have local news running at all times because it’s upsetting. We especially don’t need to see it right before we go to bed.”
Of course, there are plenty of stressors outside a parent’s control: COVID, mass shootings, wars, political bickering.
“But when we control things in our own environment, we teach our children how to control their environment too,” she said.
Maintaining consistency in routines is a good way to build feelings of safety and predictability, she said. “Sticking to a general schedule lets kids know what to anticipate most times. Kids feel safer when life is somewhat predictable. And it teaches them to do this as they grow up,” she said.
“Teach kids coping skills by identifying with them ways they can help themselves feel safer, better, OK,” she said. “Example: If a child is worried and seeking assurance, encourage them to provide their own reassurance. ‘What do you think you can do about this?’ It shows them they can devise ways to cope.”
Other tips include helping others, focusing on silver linings and maintaining good sleep schedules because we’re all better able to face adversity when we are well rested, she said.
“Eat a balanced diet. Get good sleep. Get exercise. Communicate in person. Get fresh air. We need to always strive for balance. We need to take care of ourselves in every way,” Roberts said.
We all have times when life seems to pile on. It’s OK to take a step back, she said. “Many adults learned this during COVID. I talked to so many parents at the park who said, ‘My kids never came to this park because of activities and now they’re outside climbing trees.'”
It takes courage, she said. “Kids and adults are made to feel like we need to be doing everything, take every class, do every activity. We think the world will end if we don’t. But that’s not true. We all need downtime.”
Of utmost importance today, she said, it setting boundaries when it comes to social media.
Many Silicon Valley founders and CEOs strictly limit their own children’s social media access, Roberts said.
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“The longer you can hold it off, the better,” she said. “Educate kids about safety and making healthy choices. Just like we teach kids to eat healthy even though there are all kinds of food choices, we need to teach them to have healthy social media habits, even though there are all kinds of online choices.”
For kids already in the thick of it, she said, “talk with them about self-monitoring. Taking everything away is unlikely to be successful for a child or teen already using it. But you can discuss it. Collaborative conversations and setting boundaries are incredibly important.”
Social media is here, she said, and “we need to help our children learn how to live in a healthy way in this environment.
“I think of social media like dark chocolate. It’s not all bad. During the pandemic, it was a way to be connected. There are good things in it, but we need to not overindulge,” she said.
A key factor in helping kids build resilience, Roberts said, is having a safe, reliable, consistent, supportive adult, whether that person is a parent, a grandparent or another community member.
“If a child has a supportive adult in their corner, they’re not alone. Being connected to supportive adults and to peers is comforting. It’s comforting to all of us,” she said.
How to distinguish normal childlike behavior from signs that a young one is in real distress? Roberts said, “Parents know their children. When your child is not acting like your child, it’s time to pay attention. That doesn’t necessarily mean a red flag but that is the first indicator.”
Sustained changes in eating or sleeping, or withdrawing from friends and favored activities can all be signs that stress is getting to your child. Headaches or stomach aches or an increase in irritability can also be indicators, she said.
If you suspect a problem, Roberts said, “Don’t panic. People are not robots. We all have off days and off weeks. Take a deep breath” and, if the concern continues, seek professional help.
Donna Vickroy is an award-winning reporter, editor and columnist who worked for the Daily Southtown for 38 years.