While dressing in the height of ’80s fashion was fun in the actual ’80s, it’s a little stressful when you try to do it the 2020s.
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How is it that all those shiny neon fabrics, big bows and ruffles that seemed so gorgeous then are actually just plain old ugly today? And don’t get me started on the big hair and lurid make-up.
Our trip back to the past started when we decided to attend a fundraiser with an ’80s prom theme. Since proms weren’t a thing in England when we were in our teens (sadly, that was a few years before the ’80s), it seemed like a great opportunity to have some fun. And I didn’t even have to worry that someone might not ask me. I simply told Grumpy, “We’re going.”
What to wear was going to be a challenge. Even if I had kept my old clothes, there’s no way they would have fit. My outfit of choice would have been what was known as a skater dress — a V-neck top and long sleeves in figure-hugging black velvet with a dropped waist and a short, flared skirt made of an iridescent shiny purple fabric. Packaged with my permed hair and black suede stiletto heels, I would have felt fabulous.
Alas, my in-depth research showed me that in ’80s America, girls preferred the Little Bo Beep look for formal occasions.
Fortunately, I knew the place that could get us properly attired: All Dressed Up, a costume rental store tucked away on the second floor of the Campana Building in Batavia.
Grumpy wasted no time in heading to the rack filled with pastel blue jackets while I buried my head in neon colored polyester ruffles.
“These are hideous!” I cried with glee. “I’m spoilt for choice!”
Turns out, the trouble with vintage prom dresses and tuxedos is they were made for teenagers. When Grumpy found a jacket that would button up, the sleeves looked like he’d just had a growth spurt. I doubt most of the dresses would have zipped up even if I’d been picking one out when I was 16.
Help was at hand from our knowledgeable assistant, who not only knew where every size was located but also carried a stitch picker in her pocket.
Ten minutes later, we emerged from our respective changing rooms.
Grumpy was dressed in an ivory tail coat and matching pants, trimmed with black satin and a velvet collar. The back of the jacket was especially handsome thanks to pleats pinched with black velvet buttons. He resolved to order a large black velvet butterfly bow tie just like the one my dad wore to our wedding.
I, on the hand, was in a teal green monstrosity with a lace top and satin skirt. I was slightly confused by the ruffled collar until our assistant quickly tucked it into the top of the dress. “Shoulder pads were very big in the ’80s,” she reminded me.
We agreed that adding a huge bow at the base of the spine would make it look even more beautiful/hideous. Not to mention the faux matching corsages she promised.
Back home it was time to consider hair and make-up. Amazon came up trumps when wig hunting. Grumpy was more excited than he probably should have been to find a comprehensive choice of mullets in several gag-inducing shades.
(Full disclosure: he never had a mullet back in the day but he did sport a rather alarming perm when we met in the late ’70s.)
I picked long red curly hair with a bouffant top to clash with my green dress.
Further research informed me the top nail color in the ’80s was Hot Pink, the perfect accompaniment to a green dress and red hair. A frosted lip and dramatic eyes with plenty of liner would complete the look.
Our efforts were richly rewarded by the other attendees at the event, despite a few people thinking I’d attended as the Little Mermaid. Several women were so taken by Grumpy’s attire that they asked if they could take his photo.
I’m sure the only thing keeping all the attention from going to his head was that it was ensconced in his beautiful long mullet.
Hilary Decent is a freelance journalist who moved to Naperville from England in 2007.
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