Angry? Disappointed? Hurt?
Maybe your candidate didn’t win. Maybe someone you were once close to isn’t talking to you. Maybe life is just piling on.
Whether your misery is national or personal, big scale or petty, you’re hardly alone in your despair. The world can be a tough place, especially for people who are easily hurt by the words and actions of others.
But there is a way to help yourself stand strong against even the most crushing letdowns.
It begins with building resilience, says Farid Alsabeh, a psychologist who practices psychotherapy in community mental health and private outpatient settings in the Detroit area.
You can’t guarantee things will always go your way but you can improve your “capacity to withstand the losses and disappointments of life withot being thrown off course,” he said.
All of us experience disappointment and loss, Alsabeh said, but some people are able to react with vigor to overcome a bad experience, or at least the strength to not be destroyed by it.
Those people, he said, view disappointments as “noble challenges,” opportunities to triumph over suffering.
But how do you change the way you view an experience? How do you deflect hurt or even turn a letdown into an opportunity?
Alsabeh shares some of the strategies therapists themselves practice.
To cope with disappointment, first understand that it is a natural part of life. Then, add perspective.
“A person who develops expectations about life is unknowingly making themselves weaker. By contrast, a person who maintains a steady optimism, but balances it by understanding that nothing is guaranteed in life, has already inoculated themself against the hardest part of a disappointment,” he said.
In other words, if you expect everything to go your way and it doesn’t, you will be devastated. If, instead, you just hope things will go your way but understand they may not, you have better braced yourself for whatever comes.
Happiness, he said, is not commensurate with how much money, possessions or prestige you have.
“Some people have very little in life so we would expect them to see it in a perpetually ‘negative light,’ and yet they are well-disposed, joyous and satisfied,” he said. “Other people have very much in life, so that we would expect them to see it in a perpetually ‘positive light,’ and yet they are distressed and unsatisfied.
More Top Picks Can Dyslexia Be Outgrown Or Does It Last Forever
“Once we understand that the ‘good life’ and ‘hard life’ are a function of our attitude, and not what happens in life, then we can develop those mindsets that cultivate” resilience, he said.
It helps to practice gratitude meditation daily, he said.
Instead of ruminating on your hardships or the people who are mean or rude to you, try sitting quietly and reflecting on what you’re grateful for in life. Think about those people who are sources of joy and inspiration, he said.
Practice an appreciation for nature, he added. Take a walk, watch a nature documentary.
Another strategy is to reflect on the times you turned a setback into an opportunity, he said.
“For example, just yesterday I missed my exit, which took me on a 10-minute detour. My disappointment and self-reproach lasted only a few seconds because I was quickly able to reframe it as an opportunity to call my sister. By the time I reached my destination, my sister was thanking me for the spontaneous check-in, and what was once an annoyance became a valuable opportunity,” he said.
How should we respond to someone who is rude or even cruel?
Alsabeh said, first, know that the person inflicting hurt is hurting themself.
Second, he said, understand that “maliciousness is the product of ignorance,” of thinking you can rid your own hurt by dumping it on someone else.
“Malice, generally speaking, is the result of intrapsychic pain that has not properly healed, and people exercise it (toward others) in a false and misguided attempt at control,” he said.
“When we meditate on these two truths — that malice is harmful to the malicious person and that it’s a product of their ignorance — we develop a patience for rudeness, and even cruelty,” he said.
“And with this patience comes resilience,” he said.
In times of distress, it can be helpful to reach out to friends for advice or support but consider the kind of friend you need, he said. Are you struggling with a logic-based situation? Then consult someone who is logical. Are you stinging from a hurtful emotional encounter? Then consult that empathic friend who can lift your spirits, he said.
You may wonder: Are therapists immune to the ebb and flow of emotions?
Not hardly, Alsabeh said. “(We) practice, practice, practice. Practice gratitude, practice appreciation. Practice utilizing social supports. Resilience isn’t a state, it’s a process.”
Therapists also practice mindfulness, he said. “We’re constantly checking in with ourselves, getting in touch with our physical and emotional states, in order to recognize what needs we may have, and then to respond to them.”
Whatever has you down doesn’t have to keep you there. Pick yourself up, give yourself a hug and start practicing self-care. Practice gratitude, appreciation and an acceptance that not everything has to go as expected for you to be OK.
You may not be able to make the world free of storms. But you may can become better at weathering them.
Donna Vickroy is an award-winning reporter, editor and columnist who worked for the Daily Southtown for 38 years.