Have you watched our amazing U.S. athletes and thought “I bet anyone could do that if they tried, it’s really not that difficult?” No, me neither. But now we’re in the depths of winter, I do think the average Naperville resident could participate in their own version of the Winter Olympics if they chose to. Not convinced? Consider these examples:
Taking out the trash. While this maybe simple enough in summer, it takes true athletic prowess to do so in the winter of our discontent. Apart from the obvious need to bundle up for fear of frost bite, you need a good sense of balance. Fortunately, on the way down the driveway you can hold onto your carts like a child holding onto a penguin on a skating rink, but on the return trip you’re on your own. Double, triple and even quadruple Lutz jumps are not only possible but highly likely, especially if your husband doesn’t bother to grit the path after half-heartedly pushing a couple of inches of snow to one side.
Scraping ice off the windshield. This winter task can take as much precision as an athlete figure skating. You need to hold your ice scraper/credit card/random piece of cardboard pulled out of the recycling cart at just the right angle to clear your view. It takes years of experience to help perfect the tricky technique. Writer’s tip: Although throwing boiling water over the windscreen may seem like a better idea, it will be no help at all when the water turns to steam before it hits (and most likely shatters) the glass.
Taking the dog out. Unless you own a Siberian husky, it’s probably best to avoid this until spring. My little Havanese Daisy is just like my children were when they were young. You spend hours dressing them up in coats, hats and boots only for them to stand on the doorstep, wait for a snowflake to land on their noses before they run back in again. At least the children didn’t immediately jump on the bed with wet feet.
Shoveling. Curlers think they have to be super fit to sweep the ice with a broom. I put it to them that you need to be much fitter to shovel snow. Of course, if they just picked up the curling stones with a shovel, they wouldn’t need to sweep at all.
Snowblower races. I’m surprised you don’t see this sort of competition more often. Not only is it lots of fun, but it would get the job done in record time if a few people raced in one spot. I’m happy to offer up my driveway for this.
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Dressing in layers. I’m pretty sure there’s an art to this, it’s just I haven’t quite learned what it is. After all, I grew up in a country where we only had to add an undershirt and mittens in the cold. In this instance, our Olympian heroes may have one over on us. Ski suits look very cozy, although I have no idea what’s going on underneath them. For the average person I’d suggest at least four layers of whatever still fits after the holidays under a heavy coat. I guess female skaters must be the hardiest of all. They move around on the ice in flimsy costumes. Didn’t their mothers ever tell them to bundle up in the cold?
Driving on icy roads. Motor racing has nothing on trying to drive on an Illinois road in the winter, in fact it’s more like slalom skiing in a car. While it’s true a good slide is a great way to conserve gas, trying to stop a car on ice is a lot harder than pushing your skis together in a point. I’ve never understood the advice to drive into a skid. Surely that would only speed up the inevitable.
Snowman building. Here’s a sport that can stretch your artistic muscles. First you have to shovel or push the snow into a mound. Then you roll up a large separate ball for a head before decorating with carrots, coal, sticks etc. Finally add a hat and your snowman is as good as any on a Christmas card. Has anyone ever done this successfully? While it is a good workout, my snowmen have never looked anything like the cartoon versions. They end up more like a pile of snow with a couple of odds and ends thrown away on top. Like many actual sports, it’s a lot harder to do than it looks, which might explain why we don’t see as many in Naperville as I used to think we should.
Snow angels. I can’t help but wonder who first thought of this idea. Lie on your back in the show and raise your arms over your shoulders to your head to leave a wing like imprint when you stand up. I can only assume it was first invented by some poor soul who fell over, struggled to get up but when they did noticed the pattern they’d left behind. However, it is a great workout for your shoulder muscles, and the numbing from the snow will counteract any burning pain afterward.
Walking. Why is it in the summer I walk along looking at the trees, fire hydrants, flowers, mailboxes and just about anything else in my eye line, but in the winter all I see are my feet? Even as a child, I was never one of those kids constantly seeking out an ice slick to whoosh down. Now that I’m older, I’d consider pushing a trash can in front of me so I can keep my balance if it wouldn’t look so odd. I don’t actually mind walking in deep snow that grabs my booted ankles to keep me upright, it’s the aftermath of the snow clearance that bothers me. If I don’t keep a careful eye on the cleared sidewalk, I know the sole of my boot is going to get in a fight on the only patch of ice left on the street.
Hilary Decent is a freelance journalist who moved from England to Naperville in 2007.