After Michelle Flynn stopped drinking, the anxiety that had dogged her since childhood slowly started to subside. She grew more energetic and got new compliments at work: “You’re such a go-getter.” “You’re a natural-born leader.”
Still, there was a nagging problem, one that was bad enough to sometimes keep the Naperville real estate agent up at night. How could she find friends who fit her alcohol-free lifestyle?
As it turned out, Flynn wasn’t the only one asking that question.
When Flynn, 52, reached out via a Naperville-based Facebook moms group, she was deluged by support: No, members said, they didn’t know of a group for sober socializing in their area. But if such a meetup existed, they would really love to join.
Five months later the group that Flynn formed in response, Dry Naperville Social, has 560 members, an estimated 30% of whom are in recovery from alcohol addiction. There are also women who abstain for religious, cultural or health reasons; women who don’t particularly like to drink; women who are allergic; and drinkers who enjoy the clarity and sincerity of alcohol-free socializing.
“I was just blown away,” said Flynn. “It seems that — who knew? — a lot of people don’t want to do events that center around alcohol.”
Alcohol-free socializing has been a trend for at least five years, with people in their 20s and 30s embracing the “sober curious” or “mindful drinking” approach, in which you closely examine your drinking, with an eye to making changes ranging from drinking less to abstaining. There are sober curious meetups and low or no-alcohol events.
Flynn is connecting with an older and more suburban demographic, mostly women in their 30s, 40s and 50s, among whom interest in no-alcohol lifestyles is also quite strong.
A 2021 Gallup Poll found that 60% of U.S. adults currently report drinking alcoholic beverages, a decrease from 65% in 2019. About 30% of those in the 35 to 54 age group were abstaining from drinking, compared with about 40% of those in the 18 to 34 age group and about 48% of those 55 and older
Members of Naperville Dry Social have gotten together to walk, eat out, go for coffee, get temporary henna tattoos applied to their hands and paint pottery. In December, member Madhu Choudhary hosted a small holiday get-together, where women chatted, laughed and played games.
Such gatherings defy the notion that you need alcohol to have fun, and that’s healthy, said Choudhary, a Reiki healer who said she doesn’t want the altered mental state that alcohol offers: “You know how some people say, I want to be zoned out? I’ve never felt the need to be zoned out.”
Choudhary said a lot of people assume that she doesn’t drink because she’s from India, but that’s a misconception; many Indian people drink. Her husband drinks, she said, as do many of her friends. Her kids, ages 9 and 12, are old enough to notice that she doesn’t imbibe, and to ask questions, so she was delighted that they had the chance to hear the “laughter, giggling and nonstop chatter” when she hosted the Dry Naperville Social holiday gathering.
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“This group (challenges) the idea that drinking is connected to fun, and that’s healthy,” said Choudhary, 42, a dance school owner and diamond jeweler. “That’s what I want to show my children.”
Kim Kolkman will have a drink with dinner when she genuinely wants one, but at age 51, she’s tired of the pressure to have a drink at every party and social gathering.
She was looking for a community where alcohol wasn’t emphasized and was delighted to find Dry Naperville Social.
“When people are sober you can make authentic connections,” Kolkman said. She can go out for lunch with a fellow group member and just chat for an hour at a downtown restaurant. She can drink her go-to beverage, 7UP and orange juice, without fielding any probing questions.
Unlike some members, she isn’t particularly surprised that Naperville Dry Social has drawn a following so quickly: “I am a woman of faith — a majority of the people I know have not drunk alcohol ever. My mother-in-law has never had a drop of alcohol.”
Kolkman said Dry Naperville Social allows her to connect with women from a wide range of backgrounds in an environment of trust and acceptance.
“You don’t even have to talk about (why you’re not drinking) — and that’s refreshing,” she said.
Two years ago, as she was turning 50, Flynn took stock of her life. She had a great marriage, she said, but beyond that, she wasn’t happy. Alcohol, she suspected, might be part of the problem.
Flynn, who had suffered from severe anxiety since she was a child, liked the way wine wiped away those negative feelings. Unfortunately, after a night when she drank, she actually became more anxious, worried about relatively minor gaffes, such as getting too excited about a great marketing idea that, in the cold light of day, wasn’t really all that great.
She was drinking four nights a week, she said, and she didn’t have friends because she was afraid that if people got close to her, they would tell her she was drinking too much.
She stopped drinking and gradually started seeing benefits. Today, she said, she’s braver, more energetic and more positive — in part because she’s really worked on her mindset.
“I realized that people do like me. I realized I have a lot to offer. I realized that I’m good at my job,” Flynn said. “It’s been a great journey so far.”