Welcome to 2022! Like me, I’m sure you’re all eager to know what’s coming up in the year ahead so today I’m bringing you my predictions. If you doubt my clairvoyant skills (and to be fair, why wouldn’t you?), make sure to keep this column and check it as the months go by. I’m sure you’ll find it eerily accurate.
There’s a reason for this, which is neither scientific nor magical. As I approach my 15th anniversary of living in Naperville, I’ve learned that some things always stay the same.
January will be cold. Very cold. Yet every year some poor TV reporter will be sent out to talk to all the people on the streets of Chicago wearing scarves. Meteorologists will tell us to “bundle up from head to toe” as if we’re 3-year-olds experiencing our first winter.
Despite the cold weather, the streets will often be very busy with people returning their unwanted Christmas gifts. I often wonder why we even bother with this custom. Each December there are constant gift buying guides in magazines and on TV, but obviously no one can get it right because masses of them are returned. If everyone just bought gifts for themselves, we wouldn’t have this problem.
Thanks to Hallmark, February is the month of love. Years ago, Valentine’s Day meant buying your sweetheart a heart shaped box of chocolates (available in stores starting Dec. 26) or a bunch of roses (at 10 times the normal cost).
As time has gone by, this has grown to sending cards to everyone in your contacts list from great grandma down to the dog. Political correctness means no person shall be left behind so if you don’t have a sweetheart, you’re encouraged to celebrate with your friends instead. Thanks to Amy Poehler, we’ve already seen Galentine’s Day for ladies, so this year I predict Palatine’s Day for all those singles living in the Cook County village.
This February will also see a couple of major sporting events – the Winter Olympics and the Super Bowl.
For the former, I predict each competing country will report that they have won the most medals, the Olympic village in Beijing will be made of igloos and mascots will be banned in an outcry against the Chinese government. Sales in egg rolls, however, will go up.
On Feb. 13, the Super Bowl will take place at the SoFi Stadium in LA. Thanks to the pandemic, I predict each team will only be able to provide four players. No one will like the half time show and the most popular TV commercial will be two old horses sipping bottles of Budweiser while reminiscing about Super Bowls past.
By March everyone who hasn’t headed south for the winter will declare it’s easy being green as they celebrate St Patrick’s Day. Half the population of Naperville will turn out to line the streets for a St Patrick’s Day parade in the rain.
Movie fans will be excited to watch the Oscars on TV on March 27. However, instead of awards this year all nominees will have three minutes to talk about their favorite political cause. The overall winner will still be Meryl Streep.
April will be very taxing. By the 25th our spring flowers will be covered in snow again as we’re reminded not to put them out until after Mother’s Day. This is actually a good tip because they’ll then be ready to benefit from all the rain we get on Memorial Day, which I predict will start just when everyone has fired up their grills for the first time this year.
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The summer will be hot. Very hot. Yet every year some poor TV reporter will be sent out to talk to all the people on the streets of Chicago wearing sunglasses. Meteorologists will tell us to “wear cool, light clothes” as if we’re 3-year-olds experiencing our first summer.
I predict that Naperville’s late lamented Ribfest, which would have been moved to Romeoville if not for the pandemic, will now resurface under another name somewhere in Indiana.
As the leaves turn to gold, excitement will grow for the 2022 holiday season. The weather will be unseasonably warm, meaning the colors will appear later than usual. This won’t really matter because as soon as they do turn, gusty winds will still knock all your neighbor’s leaves into your yard.
Onto Halloween. What will this year’s most popular costumes be? The answer is easy. Four characters from the latest Marvel movie, two from a series you can only watch if you subscribe to Apple TV and Snoopy.
By November I predict everyone will be saying, “Hasn’t the year just flown by?” We’ll also be sick of all the political ads on TV as J.B. Pritzker fights to remain governor of Illinois. Although I’ll admit I’m not sure of who will win, I can predict TV commercials will highlight all the negatives about each candidate, rather than what their proposed policies are. Oh, and lots of photos of toilets.
On Dec. 1, there are only 25 days left until Christmas and the big question will be which is the must-have gift the recipient will want to return as soon as they’ve unwrapped it? To make sure gifts arrive on time, the post office will tell us we should have sent them by Nov. 23. As usual children will be able to follow Santa’s journey from the North Pole on the Norad website, but this year instead of a sleigh he’ll be driving an Amazon van because 80% of people will leave their Christmas shopping until the day before.
Hilary Decent is a freelance journalist who moved to Naperville from England in 2007.