Dear Dr. June: My daughter recently graduated from college and is looking at opportunities. My son also graduated a couple of years ago and moved a few hours away for a really good job. I am a very proud mama of both of them.
I raised them alone and never got to go to college because I was working two jobs and I volunteered at their school because I wanted to make sure they knew education was important. It was a way to see them as much as possible since I worked two jobs. Their dad was not much a part of their lives after the divorce. He started a new life and didn’t help with much support and I didn’t want to waste time going to court. At least he came around during birthdays and holidays with nice gifts.
My son comes home once a month to visit, but my daughter wants to move out of state. She has always been independent, but I want her to start her career here because I feel like I missed many things when she was growing up. It’s my issue, so I don’t know if I should tell her because I don’t want her to feel guilty. My question is should I tell her or should I not tell her? I want her to be happy and do the things she wants before she gets married and has her own children. What should I do?
— CR in NC
Dear CR: Aww. I totally get it. Please let me start by saying, stop feeling guilty. You did what you had to do. As a single mom with not much help, it was your responsibility to take care of your children financially and emotionally the best way you could manage alone. Although your ex sounds like a piece of work, it’s nice that he helped during the holidays. I hope that took some of the burden off you. Again, let go of the guilt. He should have been there helping with the children and they seem to be well adjusted regardless of the circumstances. Didn’t you say, “proud mama”? You absolutely did many things right! Good for you.
This issue you are having regarding your daughter’s move is challenging. She will then have to make a decision, and you don’t want her to do it out of guilt. Understood. How about she may do it out of love for you? Talk to her and explain your concerns. Allow her to be honest about her feelings as well. If she chooses to stay, don’t bring up any feelings of guilt about her choice. Hug her and thank her, then enjoy the time you have together. The end.
If she understands but believes there are opportunities elsewhere she still wants to explore, be understanding. Hug her and thank her, then enjoy the time you have together. The end.
That’s right. Whatever the final decision turns out to be, yield the same response. That rules out any negative or “guilty” emotions and ends on a good note. My hope is you’ll be happy either way and the conversation will yield a bigger bond between mother and daughter.
Email Dr. June Hall at [email protected] and subscribe to her YouTube “Cooking up Advice.” For more information about Dr. June visit www.drjunehall.com or follow her on Instagram @aptacious.
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