Instructions: Click the box next to each tweet that amuses you — no limit to the number of choices. Voting closes Friday at noon Chicago time. Winner is published in the Sunday paper. Some tweets are lightly edited to remove profanity or improve punctuation, diction or clarity. If you see a plagiarized tweet, let me know via email — [email protected] — and send a link for evidence! I’ll change the attribution or make it “unknown” or attribute it to “various” sources. If your tweet is included and you’d rather it not be or you object to how I may have edited it, let me know and I’ll remove it as quickly as I can. And if you’d like never to be included in this feature, let me know and I’ll be glad to honor your request. If you know the Tweet is not original with you, email me and I’ll change the attribution. Some of the tweets are old, but if they’re new to me, then they qualify for inclusion. Answer order is randomized each time.
The poll is closed. Here are the finalists
“Most Americans think the Constitution is a document that gives them the right to do whatever it is they happen to want to do at the moment…. @PeterSagal
This year for Father’s day where do I find a card that lets my dad know that all his home improvement advice has been outsourced to YouTube? … @bigpoppadrunk
I don’t know why Friday the 13th is unlucky, Monday the 13th sounds WAY worse. ..@PinkCamoTO
If you don’t put off your chores, you’re anticrastinating. … @GianDoh
Imagine being an iPhone person and falling in love with an Android person. Gross … @difficultpatty
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I want to be nice, but if I let you merge now you won’t learn anything … @ozzyunc
You know what makes this pineapple on my pizza taste even better? Your disapproval …. @KusCourtney1
For $3 I will comment “thank you for not being afraid to post this” under a selfie of your ex … @SortaBad
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat …. @MelvinofYork
At the gates of Heaven you will be asked to read back all the confirmation numbers you said you were writing down but really weren’t … @RickAaron
I pretty much ignore British royalty and just go with the assumption that Queen Elizabeth is England’s Betty White. …@tbogg
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99% of us are merely tolerating you, celery … @ConanOBrien
Using it has never stopped me from losing it … @lloydrang
You know what drives me crazy? Prolonged exposure to mercury vapors …. @EyalTweet
Oedipus is such a rad name, It sucks that that one guy ruined it for everyone…. @GraceGFreud
Doctor: You have 48 hours to live. Me: Oh my God, is there anything you can do? Doctor: Just this *does that thing where you wiggle a pencil up and down and it looks like it’s bending* … @daemonic3
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6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started. … @mattZillaaaa
I got on the scale this morning, and holy crap, I won’t be doing that again.@lmegordon
Never go to bed angry. Stay up all night plotting … @JeffMyspace
And here is the winner:
Most people can be deceived with flattery. Except you. You’re too smart for that …@JaredATullos
https://secure.polldaddy.com/p/10859325.js
Which of these top 20 tweets do you find amusing? (Multiple selections encouraged)
Twitter @EricZorn
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