More Top Picks Grill Covers
player ready...Instructions: Click the box next to each tweet that amuses you — no limit to the number of choices. Voting closes Friday at noon Chicago time. Winner is published in the Sunday paper (with a week delay when I’m on vacation) Some tweets are lightly edited to remove profanity or improve punctuation, diction or clarity. If you see a plagiarized tweet, let me know via email — [email protected] — and send a link for evidence! I’ll change the attribution or make it “unknown” or attribute it to “various” sources. If your tweet is included and you’d rather it not be or you object to how I may have edited it, let me know and I’ll remove it as quickly as I can. And if you’d like never to be included in this feature, let me know and I’ll be glad to honor your request. If you know the Tweet is not original with you, email me and I’ll change the attribution. Some of the tweets are old, but if they’re new to me, then they qualify for inclusion. Answer order is randomized each time.
The poll is closed. Here are the finalists
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature … @YSylon
U.S. Rep. Matt Gaetz has a major minor problem, while President Joe Biden has a minor Major problem … @jim_sidewalk
By the third kid you say stuff like “Here’s a dollar. Throw your tooth in the garbage and the Tooth Fairy will pick it out later.” … @Gooooats
Me: I close my office door every day and nap for an hour without anyone noticing. Interviewer: I’m not sure I’d call that a ‘strength.’ … @not_delicate
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty. I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.” … @ddsmidt
When I am eating cookies with milk I like to submerge the cookie entirely and pretend I am trying to get him to rat on someone … @sarahedwig
Jesus: Where there are only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. Me: Wow. Jesus: You should eat a salad once in a while …@RodLacroix
Getting ready for Greek Orthodox April Fool’s Day on the 21st … @LostCatDog
The vaccine’s most common side effect is an urge to post about it online … @lmegordon
Mansplaining is when a man explains something to you that you already know … @DurtMcHurtt
If you want to mess up someone’s day, casually refer in conversation to your family toothbrush …. @momjeansplease
Get a tribal tattoo to let girls know how original you are … @ilovepie84
We’ve been trying to teach our 3-year-old what to do in case of an emergency. Yesterday we tested her, “what would you do if you found me on the floor and you couldn’t wake me up?” I could see her little brain working. She finally said, “I would go into the kitchen and eat anything I want.”. ….@Mamaoutoforder
Anyone interested in my old copies of Orthopedics Today? I’ve got a lot of back issues. .. @ItsMeHelenMary
Not knowing much about Greek mythology is my Achilles’ Horse … @MatthewPCrowley
“Will you be my friend?” (asking for a friend) ….@wildethingy
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain …@bvb1123
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die … @CrockettForReal
Even if you only used one stone that doesn’t change the fact that you are still some kind of crazy bird murderer ….@bestestname
More Top Picks Pull Buoys
And here is the winner:
Therapist: So, picking up where we left off, you said you feel like a whiny bitch. Patient: I never said that. Therapist: Oops, my notes. … @AmishPornStar1
https://secure.polldaddy.com/p/10795807.js
Which of these top 20 tweets do you find amusing? (Multiple selections encouraged)