Instructions: Click the box next to each tweet that amuses you — no limit to the number of choices. Voting closes Friday at noon Chicago time. Winner is published in the Sunday paper (with a week delay when I’m on vacation) Some tweets are lightly edited to remove profanity or improve punctuation, diction or clarity. If you see a plagiarized tweet, let me know via email — [email protected] — and send a link for evidence! I’ll change the attribution or make it “unknown” or attribute it to “various” sources. If your tweet is included and you’d rather it not be or you object to how I may have edited it, let me know and I’ll remove it as quickly as I can. And if you’d like never to be included in this feature, let me know and I’ll be glad to honor your request. If you know the Tweet is not original with you, email me and I’ll change the attribution. Some of the tweets are old, but if they’re new to me, then they qualify for inclusion. Answer order is randomized each time.
The poll is closed. Here are the finalists
Please don’t cheer the death of Vlad the Impaler. Sure, he dipped his bread in the blood of his victims, but this is a time for grieving …. @Cpin42
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Getting one dose of the Pfizer vaccine and one dose of the Moderna is called an Arnold Pharma ….jeffisrael25
If Daft Punk can wear a mask for 28 years surely you can wear one to buy tomatoes … @CrockettForReal
Everything I know about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry I’ve learned against my will … @TheCensoredRock
The priest put the ashes on my forehead in the shape of an “L” … @RodLacroix
We landed on Mars?! I haven’t even been to the supermarket in eleven months … @WendyLiebman
Their love was rare and tragic, like a gas station banana …. @ozzyunc
My boyfriend is so loyal he doesn’t even watch porn with girls in it … @bIiccy
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed. …@ozzyunc
Stacy’s Mom is now Caden’s Grandma … @RickAaron
Adulting is when you wash and reuse Ziploc bags because you know how expensive they are … @OfficeofSteve
If you speak softly and carry a big stick, people come closer to hear what you’re whispering, and it’s easier to smack them with the stick…. @WiseTranslated
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your text message sooner. In my defense, I don’t value your time or your feelings … @lmegordon
Reese Witherspoon’s favorite dairy snack is yogurt. Reese Withoutaspoon’s favorite dairy snack is Gogurt … @girlwit0filter
I miss the intentionality of Blockbuster. If you’re going to spend a night of precious life watching “Ernest Goes to Jail” with your hand in a Buncha Crunch, you SHOULD have to stand in line and look a cashier in the eye first …. @jenspyra
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient … @JimmerThatisAll
I’m 100% sure that whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion … @YuckyTom
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.” … @sixfootcandy
My four year old drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge, and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was crap ….@MumInBits
And here is the winner:
COVID-19 has turned us into dogs. We roam the house constantly looking for food. We’re told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about going for a walk … @The_Duche55
https://secure.polldaddy.com/p/10754788.js
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Which of these top 20 tweets do you find amusing? (Multiple selections encouraged)