Instructions: Click the box next to each tweet that amuses you — no limit to the number of choices. Voting closes Friday at noon Chicago time. Winner is published in the Sunday paper (with a week delay when I’m on vacation, which I’m not this week, for some reason) Some tweets are lightly edited to remove profanity or improve punctuation, diction or clarity. If you see a plagiarized tweet, let me know via email — [email protected] — and send a link for evidence! I’ll change the attribution or make it “unknown” or attribute it to “various” sources. If your tweet is included and you’d rather it not be or you object to how I may have edited it, let me know and I’ll remove it as quickly as I can. And if you’d like never to be included in this feature, let me know and I’ll be glad to honor your request. If you know the Tweet is not original with you, email me and I’ll change the attribution. Some of the tweets are old, but if they’re new to me, then they qualify for inclusion. Answer order is randomized each time.
The poll is closed. Here are the finalists
Good King Wenceslas: [looks out on the feast of Stephen]. Bad King Wenceslas: [goes to the feast and double dips] …@prufrockluvsong
My husband asked me just now why there are gingerbread men, and not gingerbread women. I told him “It’s the pastryarchy” ….@indyfromspace
I’m guessing that a lot more deer get run over by elderly women than vice-versa but you never hear about THAT on the radio … @RickAaron
Me: *roasting chestnuts in an oven* Nat King Cole: You’re a disgrace ….@SvnSxty
Instead of calling it ‘Christmas Traveling’, let’s go with ‘Yule Be Sorry’ …@CynicalTherapi1
Rejecting the consensus that Russia was behind the recent cyber hack, Trump to announce later today that he “blames moose and squirrel.” ….@WilliamAder
Legally changing my name to How To Tie a Tie so it’s nearly impossible for prospective employers to Google me …@ronnui_
2020 is the toddler that dressed itself … @TheWinegasm
Sadly, if Clifford the Big Red Dog was real, he would be used as a weapon of war …. @GraceGThomas
According to those in the know, the Moderna vaccine has a big head with some fruity undertones, while the Pfizer vaccine has more up front bite, but a cleaner finish …@BobTheSuit
I hate those people who ride your bumper and then start flashing their lights at you like , hey, look at me, I’m driving an ambulance …@Cpin42
My boyfriend got his COVID vaccine yesterday and I can tell you the most prominent side effect is the inability to shut up about getting the COVID vaccine …@Emaperidol
In the 70’s you could get away with anything as long as you said “Mama now it’s alright” while wearing corduroys ….@six_2_and_even
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Schrodinger’s girlfriend: So what are we? ….@parilani
I know infant Twitter is going to come after me for saying this, but formula tastes terrible. … @Home_Halfway
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They call it “remote learning” because the chance of your kids actually learning anything is remote … @RickAaron
The fascinating thing about the “microchip is in the vaccine” conspiracy is that you have to be a complete idiot about both vaccines and microchips … @jessecase
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory. Willy Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four lawsuits ….@ItsAndyRyan
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? Well you’re not gonna believe this …. @GrowlyGrego
And here is the winner:
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions. I should probably buy him something soon. …@sixfootcandy
https://secure.polldaddy.com/p/10694011.js
Which of these top tweets do you find amusing? (Multiple selections encouraged)