Instructions: Click the box next to each tweet that amuses you — no limit to the number of choices. Voting closes Friday at noon Chicago time. Winner is published in the Sunday paper (with a week delay when I’m on vacation) Some tweets are lightly edited to remove profanity or improve punctuation, diction or clarity. If you see a plagiarized tweet, let me know via email — [email protected] — and send a link for evidence! I’ll change the attribution or make it “unknown” or attribute it to “various” sources. If your tweet is included and you’d rather it not be or you object to how I may have edited it, let me know and I’ll remove it as quickly as I can. And if you’d like never to be included in this feature, let me know and I’ll be glad to honor your request. If you know the Tweet is not original with you, email me and I’ll change the attribution. Some of the tweets are old, but if they’re new to me, then they qualify for inclusion. Answer order is randomized each time.
The poll is closed. Here are the finalists
Telling your kids about Santa is like the Vietnam War. It’s not until you’re about 7 or 8 years into it that you realize you don’t have an exit strategy ….@lloydrang
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn … @iamchrisscott
On the first day of Christmas, I bought my true love a partridge in a pear tree. Now Amazon won’t stop recommending other varieties of game birds in fruit trees. … @wildethingy
Mary: Can you rub my feet? Joseph: Is there a way I can do that without actually touching them, and yet somehow, as if by magic, you still benefit? Mary: OK I can tell you’re still angry …. @FredTaming
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year. …@auty_schmotty
If people REALLY liked eggnog, it would be in stores all year long. … @WilliamAder
I like jingle bells as much as the next person, but ALL the way? …@smallie_biggs_
Most accurate 2020 holiday song: “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” …@Jake_Vig
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year … @ThePoke
Canadians are nicer because they’re closer to Santa …. @TheRealPalMal
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people who get cars for Christmas in TV commercials … @RodLacroix
There appears to have been a miscommunication. I’m jiggling all the way instead of jingling …@mommajessiec
A Dadvent calendar. It’s like an Advent calendar, but every time you open a door, a voice yells at you to close it. …@mommajessiec
The only thing I want for Christmas this year is January 20th. …@TheAlexNevil
Me: Cute infant you have there. Mary: Thanks! Me: So tender and mild. Mary: …W-what? ….@psybermonkey
More Top Picks Best Large Whiteboards
Santa is the perfect representation of capitalism: an old, fat white guy gets all the credit for bringing joy to the world even though he only works one day a year and his sweatshops full of elves do all the hard labor and aren’t allowed to unionize. …@SamGrittner
Does Jesus know he was born during Toyotathon? …. @BuckyIsotope
To me, nothing says Christmas like a person saying the word “Christmas”….@ConanOBrien
I accidentally said “Hail Santa” instead of “Hail Satan” at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes. ….@BuckyIsotope
And here is the winner:
Nothing personal Santa, but after everything that’s happened this year I just can’t take another white guy in a red hat … RickAaron
https://secure.polldaddy.com/p/10687791.js
Which of these 20 holiday-themed tweets do you find amusing? (Multiple selections encouraged)