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player ready...Some believe the Chicago Bears have lost six games in a row. Not me.
Inspired by President Donald Trump’s fight against the so-called “certified results that show he lost the election,” I’m pushing back against the false narrative that the Bears have lost six consecutive games and now have a 5-7 record.
It’s a complete lie propagated by anti-happiness Chicago liberals and their enablers in the FAKE sports news media.
The Chicago Bears are, in fact, undefeated and an odds-on favorite to win the Super Bowl.
That’s why, in an effort to restore American’s faith in the National Football League’s scorekeeping process, a central tenet of our democracy, I am demanding a recount of the scoring in all of this season’s Bears games. I am also filing a series of lawsuits that show evidence of WIDESPREAD scoring fraud, mysterious late-game “touchdown dumps” and foreign influence that stretches back to former Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, a notorious fan of the Green Bay Packers and socialism.
Since Trump-supporting attorneys Sidney Powell and Lin Wood have described their onslaught of legal cases challenging the result of the 2020 election as “releasing the Kraken,” I’m forced to go with a different mythical sea monster. In defending the Bears, I will be “releasing the Jörmungandr,” a sea serpent from Norse mythology.
First, allow me to present a brief outline of my case.
If you examine the so-called scores of the past six Bears game — against the Rams, Saints, Titans, Vikings, Packers and Lions — you will find the total points scored by the Bears is 118. The total points scored by Chicago’s opponents is 168. That’s a difference of exactly 50 points. Doesn’t that seem a bit suspicious? Why would the point differential be EXACTLY 50 points? Are we supposed to believe that’s just some crazy coincidence?
I think not.
Further confirming the anti-Bears conspiracy is the fact that you can use letters from the names of the Bears’ last six opponents to spell words that include: internationalism, socialism and anticapitalists.
Boom! Jörmungandr released.
Some will ask: OK, if this is a conspiracy, what actually happened and what were the real scores of all these Bears games?
It’s pretty simple. I have collected hundreds of affidavits from eyewitnesses and RESPECTED EXPERTS in the field of football, and it all points to massive scoring fraud and eye-popping skulduggery.
For example, Gus (REDACTED) from (REDACTED) said he was tailgating outside Soldier Field during the Nov. 1 game against the New Orleans Saints. While Gus never entered the stadium and acknowledges he was “napping” throughout the fourth quarter, he said in a sworn statement: “I woke up and I see this mope walkin’ by and I says, ‘Da Bears win?’ And this guy, he says, ‘Yeah, Bears won. Big.’ So I’m all happy and I head home and then you know what I seen on the TV? Bears lost 26-23 in overtime. And I’m like, ‘Dat don’t seem right. Guy in da parking told me they won. What gives?’ Somebody’s lyin’ here, and I don’t think it’s dat guy in da lot cause he seemed legit.”
And there’s more just like that. Marlene (REDACTED) of (REDACTED) said she “had just run to the Jewel to pick up another box of wine” on Sunday and the Bears were beating the Detroit Lions, but when she got back, the Bears were losing. From her statement: “You want me to believe the Bears were beating the Lions at Soldier Field and then wound up losing? Do you know what the chances of that happening are? Zero. ZE-RO! Zero. No way. And I know … have you looked at what they aren’t showing on the broadcast? Have you? Because I have. You know what it is? It’s the Bears scoring. They don’t show you all the times the Bears scored on TV, and then they only count the scores they broadcast. It’s FAKE! Totally fake. And I can prove it, because Len at the Jewel who sells me my boxed wine told me.”
Based on such irrefutable statements, and on other evidence I have but won’t show you, I can prove the Bears won each of the past six games by comfortable margins and that in the Nov. 16 game against the Minnesota Vikings, former Bears coach Mike Ditka played AND caught 12 touchdown passes.
Why do people not hear about these things? Because they don’t want people to hear about them. (If you don’t know who “they” is, then you’re probably one of they.)
Like the Trump-supporting attorneys who critics claim have “lost nearly 50 election-fraud lawsuits already,” I will not be deterred.
A federal judge in Michigan on Monday struck down Powell’s request to decertify the state’s election result, saying: “A belief is not evidence.”
Oh really, Judge Deep State? Is that so? Then how do you explain Newt Gingrich, who I know is smart because I see him on TV all the time, saying of the election results in Georgia: “The objective fact is I believe Trump probably did actually carry Georgia.”
If Gingrich believes that something “probably did actually” happen, then that makes it an objective fact. Duh. That’s just common sense, folks.
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I believe the Chicago Bears won the past six games. Trump and his team of attorneys believe he won the election.
You can’t tell me one is more ridiculous than the other.
(If you hated this column, and you certainly should have, why not join the third annual Insult-A-Columnist Holiday Food Drive and make a donation to the Greater Chicago Food Depository under the RexStinks team name? Or, if you liked the column, you can hop on Team RexRocks. Either way, you help feed people struggling to make ends meet. Just go to: https://www.myfooddrive.org/#InsultRex.)