Instructions: Click the box next to each tweet that amuses you — no limit to the number of choices. Voting closes Friday at noon Chicago time. Winner is published in the Sunday paper (with a week delay when I’m on vacation) Some tweets are lightly edited to remove profanity or improve punctuation, diction or clarity. If you see a plagiarized tweet, let me know via email — [email protected] — and send a link for evidence! I’ll change the attribution or make it “unknown” or attribute it to “various” sources. If your tweet is included and you’d rather it not be or you object to how I may have edited it, let me know and I’ll remove it as quickly as I can. And if you’d like never to be included in this feature, let me know and I’ll be glad to honor your request. If you know the Tweet is not original with you, email me and I’ll change the attribution. Some of the tweets are old, but if they’re new to me, then they qualify for inclusion. Answer order is randomized each time.
The poll is closed. Here are the finalists
How do you feel about big butts? And be honest. …@AmishPornStar1
I’m going to open a restaurant and then start awarding prizes to tire companies for the best tires. See how Michelin likes it …@craiguito
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill ….@LizerReal
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If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you. … @Quartzjixler
If you go home with someone and they have the banner of the former Soviet Union hanging on the wall…that’s a big red flag … @chuchugoogoo
Can’t believe how much time my parents spent teaching me what sounds barnyard animals make. I have almost never needed that as an adult ….@TheAndrewNadeau
In space, no can hear you talk about gluten …@Cpin42
Wear white on your first date so he can start to picture you on your wedding day. …@AndLookPretty
Maybe I only need SOME intents and purposes. …@TwinSurvivalist
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed? …@AllanForsyth
Her: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Me (covered head to toe in peanut butter and cornmeal): I think it’s my personality … @AndyJokedAgain
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference? Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job. … @sixfootcandy
Enough with the theatrics, chirping smoke alarm battery. It’s 2020. We’re all dying inside … @Darlainky
Republicans’ favorite cereal is Your Vote Doesn’t Count Chocula … @OhNoSheTwitnt
I’ll bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe … @bigsharkguy
“I’m here” is always true. … @WilliamAder
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush! … @JohnLyonTweets
If your partner is in a bad mood ask them if they think they might feel better if they dropped a few pounds …@bartandsoul
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast. *sets alarm for 6:30* … @mommajessiec
And here is the winner:
Me: Do you want something to eat? Daughter: What are my choices? Me: Yes or no …@ServiceTech_
https://secure.polldaddy.com/p/10646112.js
Which of these top 20 tweets do you find amusing? (Multiple selections encouraged)
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