Q: People in my workplace that always drove me nuts seem to be worse than I could have imagined right now. The amount of stupid, irrational, and crazy that is going on makes me want to head for a mountain cave. How can you work when all around you seem to be completely losing their minds?
More Top Picks Ukuleles
A: You can work when all around you seem to be completely losing their minds if you lower your bar of mental health expectations and focus strongly on your own functioning. The problem is we keep expecting normal and we are working in the middle of so many crises including mental health issues.
Psychologists have researched the way people decompensate during stress (which means they disintegrate to their lowest functioning). You can see how stressed everyone is by kids being at home, too much time with family, work, health and money. You’ll function much better if you anticipate stupid, irrational, and crazy as a baseline and work on your reactions.
People have not literally become more stupid it is just that anxiety makes people act stupid. They end up not being able to see the brick in front of their feet and trip. When people are upset their brain is sending out a chemical cascade which people have a hard time swimming upstream against.
You can see that anything you do to make sure you settle your brain down is brilliant. Start meditating (my personal recommendation is Transcendental Meditation). Get daily exercise. Sleep and eat well. Avoid drifting toward too much bad food, alcohol, or drugs to manage your stress as these will delete feel good chemicals from your brain.
Realize most people have not read the above paragraph nor are they following these guidelines. Many people are instead turning to the quick fixes like bad food, alcohol, smoking or drugs. You can see what a toxic combination these poor choices would be in face of a mental health crisis.
I used to believe when I was young and had less life experience that most people’s normal mental health on a ten point scale was a six. I now know most people’s mental health on a ten point scale is usually a three. Since people are dropping mental health points fast you can imagine a lot of people have moved into negative numbers with their emotional health.
When you see stupid, or crazy going on take a deep breath, paraphrase and keep your goal in mind. Don’t react defensively or try to point out that the other person is nuts. Paraphrasing another person well will instantly add mental health points to their functioning. When people hear you understand them almost everyone settles down and acts better.
To paraphrase effectively you do not need to agree you just need to restate with empathy how the other person is thinking and feeling. When you repeat his or her words it is usually the first time he or she heard those words. People will often shift immediately because they hear that what they are saying doesn’t make sense.
You’ll have more conflict now than you have ever had. Use paraphrasing and asking questions as your first line of defense. In interpersonal conflict the best strategy is to win a war without having to fire a single shot. If you lower your expectations, immediately paraphrase, and ask questions you’ll often achieve your goal and sidestep the stupid and irrational.
The last word(s)
Q: So many messages in and out of my workplace seem focused on dividing us. Do you see messages that will bring us together?
A: Yes, there are painters in the hard hit city of Kenosha, Wisconsin that have started to paint murals with messages like, “Love is the answer,” or, “Unity,” or just, “Love.” I really do believe our culture is trying to grow up and the social unrest is part of our growing pains.
———
(Daneen Skube, Ph.D., executive coach, trainer, therapist and speaker, also appears as the FOX Channel’s “Workplace Guru” each Monday morning. She’s the author of “Interpersonal Edge: Breakthrough Tools for Talking to Anyone, Anywhere, About Anything” (Hay House, 2006). You can contact Dr. Skube at www.interpersonaledge.com or 1420 NW Gilman Blvd., #2845, Issaquah, WA 98027. Sorry, no personal replies.)
(c) 2020 INTERPERSONAL EDGE