The coronavirus pandemic, Black Lives Matter protests, political fighting; there’s so much anger it’s easy to forget about the kindness of strangers.
However, when I recently looked through some unread emails, I discovered there are still people around the world keen to give me millions of dollars. In a year of so many personal disappointments, and a temporary lull in a busy news cycle, I decided to give them my serious consideration.
The Rev. Robert William, or possibly Williams depending on which end of the email you are reading, writes in all caps:
“I AM REV.ROBERT WILLIAM, DIRECTOR CASH PROCESSING UNIT, UNITED BANK FOR AFRICA [UBA] THE ONLY BANK APPOINTED BY THE O.A.U MEMBERS LED BY PRESIDENT JOHN KUFFOR. DUE TO ON GOING FRAUD IN WEST AFRICA COUNTRIES WHERE SOME INNOCENT BENEFICIARIES WERE ASKED TO PAY IN ADVANCE BEFORE RECEIVING THEIR MONEY. THE ABOVE AFRICA UNION AND IMF HELD A MEETING IN BENIN REPUBLIC AND RESOLVED TO PAY ALL BENEFICIARIES IN CASH THROUGH A DIPLOMATIC COURIER SERVICE. THE UNION HAS APPROVED AND APPOINTED UNITED BANK FOR AFRICA TO PAY YOU THE SUM OF ($1,500,000.00)BUT DUE TO ONGOING FRAUD IN WEST AFRICA, WE HAVE TAKEN (US$5,000) FROM YOUR FUND FOR HANDLING CHARGES. THEREFORE THE AMOUNT YOU WILL BE EXPECTING FROM THE DIPLOMAT IS $1,495,000.00) INSTEAD OF ($1.5M).”
While I’m gratified to see I’m about to benefit from a fund I knew nothing about, I’m quite frankly a little disappointed about the $5,000 handling charge.
Rev. William/s goes on to tell me I’ve been dealing with a fraudster who has been extorting money from me. He refers to me as “my dear,” which I find a little patronizing, even if he is a senior banker.
The next email comes from Ambrose Cooker, the Telex manager of the African Development Bank in Burkina Faso. I feel much better about this one because he begins by telling me this isn’t a hoax email so I know I can trust him.
“I urge you to treat it serious,” he writes. I fight the urge to type “ly” at the end of the word.
Mr. Cooker tells me he’s about to retire from active banking service to start a new life.
“I am skeptical to reveal this particular secret to a stranger,” he tells me earnestly. “You must assure me that everything will be handled confidentially because we are not going to suffer again in life.”
It really must be my lucky day because Mr. Cooker goes on to tell me that although he may be skeptical, he has, in fact, already earmarked me to receive part of an unused $10.5 million account.
I lose interest when I discover he’s keeping 60% while I’m only to receive 40%. Since I’ve already lost $5,000 in a previous transaction, I need every cent I can get. I briefly wonder if this is negotiable.
Raphiou Codjo is the credit officer of the Trust Financial Co. in Cotonou. He’s asking me if I would pretend to be next of kin to the late Mahmud Ali Ibrahim Sr. so I can receive $14 million. This sounds like a much better deal since I don’t have to share it with anyone. However, reading on I see I will have to make some sort of agreement with Mr. Codjo for this to proceed so I mentally decline.
I like this next one much more. No shady dealing. Someone just wanting to give me money.
“I am Maureen Hinckley and my foundation is donating (Five hundred and fifty thousand USD) to you.”
But after my other offers this one seems like loose change, so I move on.
The next email sounds more like a potential story than a financial scam. I start to make notes.
“I am writing this mail to you with tears and sorrow from my heart, I know that this mail might come to you as a surprise because you don’t know me and I don’t know you too.”
The sender is Ms. Rosanna Wikima, the 21-year-old only daughter of the late Professor Michel Wikima. In case you haven’t heard of him, he’s a cocoa farmer and late adviser to the winner on last year’s presidential election in the Ivory Coast. Apparently. I’m horrified to see he was assassinated but intrigued to learn Rosanna is the only one in her family who knows about the $2.5 million he deposited in an Abidjan bank.
That’s a lot for a 21-year-old to contend with, and I’m the only one who can help her by transferring the money into my own account. I’m almost tempted until I see I’m only allowed to keep 20% which hardly seems worth the effort.
Meanwhile over in Indonesia, a dying woman is offering me $9,650,000.
“My names are Mrs. Marina Bani, a citizen of Indonesia I deal with gold exportation here in Africa,” she writes, signing her name Bagni.
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“I am a widow diagnosed with brain tumor disease which has gotten to a very bad stage, Please I want you to understand the most important reason why I am contacting you through this medium is because I need your sincerity and ability to carry out this transaction and fulfill my final wish in implementing the charitable investment project in your country as it requires absolute trust and devotion without any failure, which I believe that you will not expose this to anyone or betray this trust and confident that I am about to entrust on you for the mutual benefit of the orphans and the less privileges ones.”
Since I’m poking fun at her in this column, she couldn’t be further from the truth on that one.
Anna Bruun writes me from Norway. Although it’s on my places to visit one day, I doubt she’ll live long enough for us to meet, poor woman.
She has cancer and following a stroke decided to pick me as her beneficiary because she doesn’t have any children.
She writes: “I need a very honest person who can claim this money and use it for Charity works, for orphanages, widows and also build schools for less privilege that will be named after my late husband and my name; I need your urgent answer to know if you will be able to execute this project, and I will give you more information on how the fund will be transferred to your bank account.”
Sadly, I can’t help her because I find myself clicking on the delete all spam button on my screen. Still, in what’s been a horrible year, it’s good to see some things never change.
Hilary Decent is a freelance journalist who moved to Naperville from England in 2007.