Regular readers of this column know that, from time to time, I receive emails that are not entirely flattering.
They generally involve helpful critiques like: “You (expletive) suck”; “Your a (expletive) idiot”; or “You stupid (expletive) (expletive), every (expletive) word you write is (expletive), go (expletive) yourself in the (expletive).”
I’ve shared many of these missives in past Reader Fan Mail columns. I think it’s important that my critics be heard, and my already low self-esteem enjoys being publicly trod upon.
However, as an avid chronicler of our infallible president, Donald Trump, I’ve decided a new approach is in order — a more Rex-forward, utterly narcissistic approach.
Let’s face it, Trump became president and could very well be reelected without ever acknowledging a single fault or turning down a compliment. The only reason he has not walked on water, I assume, is because water is involved in a Deep State plot to keep him from appearing messianic.
So if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.
What follows are actual notes from highly respected and educated readers — truly some of the most impressive Americans — touting my greatness, which many are saying is the greatest greatness they’ve ever seen. I will honor each note with a response acknowledging how smart they are to praise me, and I will encourage each of them and all of you to visit one of my many resorts or just send me buckets of money.
Here we go:
“There are now two of us (one of which is you) who consider yourself America’s most-beloved columnist. … The biting humor nailed it. Flawless in presentation and relevance. Could literally not stop laughing.”
Thank you so much for being a REAL AMERICAN who recognizes TRUE TALENT. Unlike the losers and haters out there, you clearly see that my writing has MADE WORDS GREAT AGAIN. You’re welcome, America!
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“Another, as usual, brilliant column. Right on the mark. I just keep waiting for some Republicans to stop supporting Trump. And I can’t believe it hasn’t happened yet. The solution to dealing with the coronavirus until there is a viable vaccine is so common sensical, and yet it’s like many politicians would prefer to stay on Trump’s good side rather than have him Tweet against them. I’m so sad that there seems to be such a lack of integrity in the world today. Please keep telling the truth.”
I will keep telling the truth. I LOVE TRUTH! In fact, many have said they don’t think a columnist has ever told as much truth as Huppke. I’m going to tell so much truth that you’ll be sick of truth! And thank you for calling my column “brilliant.” Cleary you have VERY GOOD TASTE!
“Good morning Rex, Just a quick note to say thanks and tell you that your article in today’s Sunday Trib was spot on. I also hear you periodically on Joan Esposito’s radio show. Keep up the good fight and great work.”
I am always spot on. In fact, there has never been a time when I was spot off — ask anyone. I just have a very big brain and it works better than most people’s brains. And yes, I LOVE talking to Joan Esposito on WCPT-820 AM, because she is a true patriot who loves Huppke. Every time I’m on the show, the ratings are through the roof. I’ve heard from people there, they call me up and they say, “Rex, we’ve never had ratings like this. How do you do this? People love you and you are amazing and also handsome.” So great!
“Thank you for such a clever, engaging yet bittersweet column. You employed the apposite angle and portrayed our Imbecile-in-Chief and his misguided and moronic agenda so brilliantly.”
What’s truly amazing is that before I started writing columns, not a single columnist in America had ever been clever or engaging. Totally my idea. Now columnists everywhere are saying, “Thank you, Mr. Huppke!” They all followed my lead. SAD!
“Thank you for a great laugh. You never fail to entertain me with your witty, good-humored columns.”
MAKE WORDS GREAT AGAIN! Believe me, I will never let you down, and I will continue to fight against the DEEP NEWSPAPER losers who try to drag me down. I alone can fix it!
“Thank you for another great column. You are so clever, and so sarcastic — and I’m always so happy when I’m reading the Trib and find your column. These are dark, dark days — you can’t make it less horrifying, but you do make me laugh and that helps a lot and means a lot. Thank you for all you do!”
You’re very welcome. I do so much. People who don’t think I’m clever are all dopes who don’t care about words. I USE ONLY THE BEST WORDS! So simple! Nobody thought to do that before Huppke. Now we are winning with words!
Covfefe.