Dear Anna,
I am a bisexual man in his 60s who lives in Southeast Asia where homosexuality is NOT acceptable and punishable by law. I have come to terms with myself and accept the fact that I am sexually attracted to men and have had several one-night stands with men. I also truly love my wife and children. I walked the straight and narrow for about 25 years before I gave in to my nature and started having affairs with other married men.
I met another married man (David) through Craigslist. David and I have been having an affair, off and on, for the past five years. The road has been rather rocky. It took him some time before he admitted he liked gay sex. He went away with his family for a holiday overseas at Christmas last year. I saw him on his return, and he asked me if I missed his dick. I made the terrible mistake of being honest: I confessed to him that I missed him because I love him. He went very still and quiet, then held my hand and said that we can’t say things like that.
I have not seen him or heard from him since that fateful day. I did ask him once to meet up before the lockdown started here but he did not reply. Should I message him again or should I just accept the fact that he has gone? I never thought I could face a heartbreak like this. I am struggling to overcome this, but it is hard as I genuinely miss him and have no one to talk to about my feelings. I think of him every day, despite trying to push him out of my mind. It has been seven long, tedious months and I haven’t gotten over him. Help please. — Married Bi In Love With Another Married Bi
Dear MBILWAMB,
Your letter breaks my heart. That you have had to lie about yourself and your sexuality because of a shitty, repressive government that thinks same-sex love is a crime. That you told a man you loved him after five years and he responded by vanishing. That you feel you have no one to talk to about such things. I can feel your heartbreak right through the screen. And yet, I can also feel your resilience, which has gotten you through life thus far and will continue to do so, despite the unfortunate circumstances in which you’ve been forced to make do.
It seems likely that your relationship is over, as terrible as that feels, especially since you didn’t even get to say goodbye. I could be wrong about that — who knows what stresses he might be under due to COVID, or his family or his own sexuality, which you yourself admit he took a long time to accept. However, we can’t make a life on hope alone, especially when larger truths are shining their bright lights in our eyes. To that end, I suggest you move on. When you’re ready.
You will survive this loss as you’ve survived other losses and hardships — because you’ve done so before and will again. You will go on and continue going on and the grief of losing someone you love will become smaller and more bearable. It won’t leave you. It will instead become a part of you, a thing you carry with you through the good days and bad days. In this way he will stay with you, existing as part of your story, your memories, your happiness.
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This is part of why I think we don’t ever truly “get over” people. We carry on, yes. We live and go about our days and love again and try our best to calm the rising tides of grief and heartache when they appear. But “getting over” a heartache involves some imagined finish line that doesn’t exist.
So, take as much time as you need. Burrow down deep into the muck of your pain and come up for air when you are damn well ready. Find ways to celebrate and mourn the love you felt for David, however that might look for you. When you feel able to, you’ll move on. And maybe you’ll reach out again or maybe you’ll find that another love entirely is waiting out there for you, waiting to meet you and embrace the feelings and identity you’ve worked hard to love and accept in yourself.
In the meantime, I’d like you to reach in another direction, too — I’d like you to find a support group (online) where you can talk to other men like yourself and share your feelings and realize you’re not alone in this. You might try ILGA World (www.ilga.org/civi_details) and see if any of their LGBTQ orgs can be a resource. You could also use Craigslist for this purpose — it’s not just for hookups, but also for finding others who are like us. You could try looking on Facebook too. “Parents and Friends of Indian LGBTQs” is one such private Facebook group, which is largely about South Asia, but also has discussions about and members from other countries in the region. Find people with whom you don’t have to pretend, with whom you can be yourself, with whom you can say, “I never thought I could face a heartbreak like this,” and they’ll understand exactly what you mean.
You did a brave and hard and true thing in telling David how you felt about him. That is no small feat. I hope you honor that love by holding onto a tiny part of it as you make space for other loves in your life.
Anna Pulley is a columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Email your quandary to [email protected].)
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