Instructions: Click the box next to each tweet that amuses you — no limit to the number of choices. Voting closes Friday at noon Chicago time. Winner is published in the Sunday paper (with a week delay when I’m on vacation) Some tweets are lightly edited to remove profanity or improve punctuation, diction or clarity. If you see a plagiarized tweet, let me know via email — [email protected] — and send a link for evidence! I’ll change the attribution or make it “unknown” or attribute it to “various” sources. If your tweet is included and you’d rather it not be or you object to how I may have edited it, let me know and I’ll remove it as quickly as I can. And if you’d like never to be included in this feature, let me know and I’ll be glad to honor your request. If you know the Tweet is not original with you, email me and I’ll change the attribution. Some of the tweets are old, but if they’re new to me, then they qualify for inclusion. Answer order is randomized each time.
THE POLL IS NOW CLOSED. HERE ARE THE FINALISTS
When someone says “smell that,” do not, under any circumstances, smell that. … @JustMeTurtle
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Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURRED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?” I would’ve just been SCREAMING …. @BigHern
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door … @Havish_AF
[1936] STEINBECK: What’d you think of the draft of “Of Mouse and Man”? PUBLISHER: It needs more characters. STEINBECK: I’ll see what I can do ….@UncleDuke1969
Not to brag, but I have a very high tolerance for pain. My friends say I’m almost insufferable … @JohnLyonTweets
What sign is it that is stupid enough to believe in astrology? …. @BettyBowers
Due to his violent temper, no one has dared to tell Toucan Sam he spelled “fruit” wrong on his cereal box. … @poutinesmoothie
POLICE: knock knock. DRUG DEALER: Who’s there? POLICE: Weed. DRUG DEALER: Weed who? POLICE: We’d like to come in and arrest you. DRUG DEALER: LOL good one, come on in …. @BuckyIsotope
ME: She asked who I would sleep with if I had a free pass. PARAMEDIC: Ah, that explains it … @aotakeo
AND THE WINNER…
But if we don’t reopen the schools, where will 5-year-olds have their active shooter drills? … @OhNoSheTwitnt