Q: I feel guilty because I am actually having a wonderful pandemic experience. I always did a lot of work from home and my wife and kids are around to talk to. We are both employed, healthy, and always spent a lot of time at home. So many people are suffering that I feel bad about enjoying the solitude, my family, and remote work. Do you think I lack compassion?
A: What I think is that your suffering does nothing to ease the suffering of those around you. You, too, will eventually experience challenges. If you don’t give yourself permission to enjoy your current oasis you won’t have the energy to actually help people that are suffering.
There’s a term in psychology called, “survivors’ guilt,” which refers to people who survive a tragedy feeling guilty they lived while others died. During our current crisis people that are thriving are feeling guilty because there truly is so much suffering going on.
There are people dying every day in our nation of this virus and you feeling terrible about feeling good doesn’t help those people or their loved ones. You showing up and making the best contribution possible to your workplace, your family, and your community is a far better tribute.
To the extent that you were already living a “quarantined” life you probably have suffered less during this time. My clients that are introverts, homebodies, and employed are thriving. My clients that were social butterflies and have lost jobs (and job-related social relationships) are struggling.
Even introverts have cabin fever by now but at least there is no vast difference between their lives before COVID-19 (BC) and their life after COVID-19 (AC). Many of us from here on will mark our lives into two separate compartments of BC and AC.
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I suspect you are thriving in part because you clearly have a high capacity for gratitude. The ability to experience gratitude is one of the strongest predictors of overall mental health. I am certain even you and your family have had losses during this time. However, you are focusing intently on what is working in your life.
If we suffer a loss and end up staring at the loss in our rear view mirror, we lose all ability to make a new plan. If we define our identity by what we’ve lost and not what we can still do and have our suffering never ends. Living in the past perpetuates depression making life bleak and hopeless.
We all need to take a moment of silence when the world throws us a U-turn. Then we need to get out maps and plot a new course. Grieving a loss should be a way station and not a permanent new residence. The pull of a new goal can help us over any loss and provide new joy and meaning.
So kick up your feet, get out your umbrella drink, and enjoy your current oasis. You’re adding joy and contentment to our world and we are sorely in need of that energy right now!
The last word(s)
Q: I just found out I’m pregnant and am worried about how I will juggle baby and my remote work. Do you think I can do both?
A: No, you will need to find help with your new baby as babies don’t make room for work remote or otherwise. Lastly, congratulations that you and your spouse clearly made an exception on social distancing!
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(Daneen Skube, Ph.D., executive coach, trainer, therapist and speaker, also appears as the FOX Channel’s “Workplace Guru” each Monday morning. She’s the author of “Interpersonal Edge: Breakthrough Tools for Talking to Anyone, Anywhere, About Anything” (Hay House, 2006). You can contact Dr. Skube at www.interpersonaledge.com or 1420 NW Gilman Blvd., #2845, Issaquah, WA 98027. Sorry, no personal replies.)
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