This is the latest in my occasional series of TrumPoems chronicling the presidency of Donald Trump, based, as always, on his own words and acts.
‘The Lone Ranger’
For months I would not wear a mask
Despite what experts said
Despite the suff’ring of the sick
The number of the dead.
.
A virus raged from east to west
And then across the South
Yet I refused to wear a mask
Across my manly mouth.
.
At last I gamely put one on —
Though, really, what’s the need? —
And like the masked Lone Ranger
Braved the wards at Walter Reed.
.
I waved hello to veterans —
Such great heroes, just like me —
And in my mask I looked real good —
They said that on TV!
.
And like the brave Lone Ranger
I am always fighting foes —
Doc Fauci’s such a loser
I know more than that guy knows.
.
I’m fighting evil justices
Who rule our highest court
They sided with the Dreamers,
Kids I wanted to deport.
.
And traitor Justice Roberts?
He’s gone lefty just like Ruth
He wants me to show tax returns?
Thinks I should tell the truth?
.
There’s traitors, traitors everywhere
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And one’s my bleepin’ niece!
Who’s using me to get PR.
To pimp her book release.
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“His daddy didn’t love him,”
Lyin’ Mary Trump has claimed,
“And that’s why he’s a narcissist.
Who can’t be taught or shamed.”
.
She says that I’m a “killer”
From a very screwed-up clan
She says that I’m a cheater
And the world’s most dangerous man.
.
My fans, she hints, are addicts
And they’re hooked on how I’m tough
No matter what I do or say
They just can’t get enough.
.
She says I’m deeply insecure
And only want to win
She even says the White House
Is my private loony bin!
.
I tried to get her fake book barred
It simply isn’t fair
For her to say those nasty things
Whatever. I don’t care.
.
Sigh.
.
For I am the Lone Ranger
And I live by my own rules
And that is why I say it’s time
To get our kids in schools!
.
Don’t talk to me of surges
In the West and Southern states
Or how I could have spared us
From horrific virus rates.
.
Don’t talk of how the Russians
Have been hacking our vaccines
Don’t say I’ve lost my marbles
You’re just full of Goya beans.
.
But Goya beans are bueno!
Y porque do I think so?
El owner es a fan of mine!
And that is how I know.
.
And speaking of our children,
They are pawns in a great fight —
This battle for our culture
And by “our” I should say “white.”
.
I went out to Mount Rushmore
On the great Fourth of July
And standing ‘neath those presidents
I could not tell a lie.
.
Well, some said I was lying
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When I warned of fascist mobs
By which I mean the Democrats
Who’d like to kill your jobs!
.
They want to take your monuments
Destroy your rebel flag
But I’ll protect your freedom
And our hist’ry — that’s no brag.
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What’s that, you say? Joe Biden?
He’s a flea upon my horse
He’s nothin’ to this cowboy
And I’ll crush him in due course.
.
Sigh.
.
Some days I feel abandoned
And so very much alone
To make myself less lonely
I released brave Roger Stone.
.
He never has betrayed me
And that’s why I set him free …
What’s that you say? I’m hiding
Some big stats at CDC?
.
Look, math is overrated
And these numbers make me laugh
To cut all these infections
Let’s just cut the tests in half.
.
A hundred forty thousand dead?
It’s worse than World War I?
And that’s just the Americans?
Statistics are no fun.
.
My country dies around me
But I’ll look the other way
Ignore the truth and terrors
Won’t withdraw like LBJ.
.
For I am the Lone Ranger
And I ride above the law
Immune to truth and decency
And COVID too. Yee haw!