This is the latest in my occasional series of poems chronicling the presidency of Donald Trump, based, as always, on his own words and acts.
LET US PRAY
I am a very holy man
A humble man of prayer
And so I made a show of faith
To show how much I care.
.
I strode across a plaza
In our capital, D.C.,
While quietly I hummed a tune:
“My country ’tis of me!”
.
I wanted a great photo
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With the Good Book in my hand
To prove that I’m the leader
Of this mighty, Christian land.
.
Regrettably, some protests
Had been going on that day
The country’s wild with chaos!
And some thugs were in my way.
.
They cluttered up the plaza
While they talked of George Floyd
(God rest his soul, a tragedy)
So force must be deployed.
.
I won’t support this evil!
I don’t mean some racist cop
I mean those nut protesters
Who would wreck my photo op.
.
But let us pause here, dear ones, for a little background …
.
So many battles raging
I can hardly bear the pain —
At first came the pandemic
And it crushed the market’s gain
.
The market was my ticket
To another great four years
But then this epidemic
Planted economic fears.
.
A hundred thousand people dead?
That’s what the experts state
But don’t believe the scientists
They lie, mislead, inflate.
.
Then just when I saw vict’ry —
We were getting back to work!
The anarchists erupted —
How those lefties love to shirk.
.
A white cop killed a black man
It was very, very sad
But all these crazy protests
Have been very, very bad.
.
Protests, protests everywhere
Antifa’s left-wing mob!
While I, your pious president,
Just want to do my job.
.
In New York and Chicago —
All those swamps with liberal guvs —
They’ve marched and screamed and looted
So I took off both my gloves.
.
There’s just one way to beat these thugs
To overwhelm their hate
You’ve got to send the soldiers in!
You’ve got to DOMINATE!
.
Some say that I’m the looter,
Me and all the GOP
For handing over trillions
To the wealthy just like me.
.
Not true! We’re lords of capital!
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Not criminals and thugs
Not like those lowly looters
That I’ve vowed to crush like bugs.
.
Some say they want more “healing” words
Dear Lord, that’s not my style
Leave that to wimp Obama
I will win by being vile.
.
Thank God I’ve got my bunker
I deserve a calm retreat
A safe space from the media
A quiet place to tweet.
.
But, Lordy, Twitter’s trouble
It’s a pit of lies and strife
Folks dissed me just for saying
That Joe Whozit killed his wife.
.
They said that I was lying
When I questioned vote by mail
Now Snapchat won’t promote me?
Well, those platforms are a fail!
.
Sigh. Back to my story about the plaza …
.
Not far from my great White House
Is the Church of Presidents
A very pretty backdrop
For a president’s offense.
.
And so the other evening
I sent out a small request
Just rout those lefties from the park
So I could look my best.
.
The cops took out their tear gas
Rubber bullets blitzed the air
And then I took a kingly stroll
Across the quiet square.
.
Ivanka plucked a Bible
From her cool Max Mara purse
(I pray, Dear Lord, don’t ask me
To recite my favorite verse.)
.
I held it for the cameras, Lord,
And hoped that I’d be saved
From all the loathsome Democrats
Who say that I’m depraved.
.
Some clergy types objected
Said I didn’t even pray!
But if I had, I’d bow my head
And this is what I’d say:
.
Dear Lord, please help the markets
Make them very, very strong
And render your harsh justice
To the folks who’ve done me wrong
Jim Mattis — what a loser
And Joe Biden — such a creep
Pelosi — still a nitwit
And George Bush is a big (bleep).
Protect me from the Democrats
Protect me from the polls
Protect my business assets and
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Protect me from the trolls.
.
Oh, by the way, I got my wall!
A new fence at my house!
To shield me from reality
And all the folks who grouse.
.
And, lastly, Lord, I must confess
That chaos is my game
It gives me what I need the most:
The world to say my name
.
Amen.
Twitter @MarySchmich