Q: I’ve had a huge personal catastrophe in my life that has affected my work. I am struggling to maintain my attitude and performance. I am certain I am not your only reader that has been devastated by tragedy. How do you advise clients to respond to profound personal losses?
A: I advise clients to take the time they need to recover, have compassion for the extreme challenge of bouncing back and avoid making their tragedy a definition of who they now are.
Many people experience a personal catastrophe and attempt to ignore the emotional devastation and show up at work right away. If you don’t take time away from work, there is no way you can ignore your loss. Eventually work can keep your mind busy while your heart is healing, but not immediately.
If you return to work quickly, you can make big mistakes and these errors end up making your situation worse. A normal response after tragedy is an encapsulation within your inner world, distraction and trouble focusing. Forcing yourself to work in the immediate aftermath is poor judgment.
Now you might ask what time period is the immediate aftermath? Depending on how much you love your work and the severity of the tragedy, the time you need varies from a week to three months. You also have to work around the policies of your employer or, if you are self-employed, your financial needs. Obviously, the long-term healing will take much longer.
Compassion for the difficulty of facing a forest fire event burning down your old world means dropping outside commitments. Don’t return phone calls, answer emails or go to social events unless it helps you. Sleep or nap as much as you want. Every animal becomes reclusive when severely wounded.
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Many people are tempted to become defined by their tragedy after a severe loss. They are no longer just themselves but now a widow, an orphan or a survivor. Notice none of these definitions encourage them to thrive.
If you see tragedy as a train station where you get off briefly and then re-board the life train, you’ll be more resilient. Tragedy is not your new self-definition unless you decide it is. You are a person that has experienced a tragedy not a person that is a tragedy. Know the difference.
If we live a long life, each of us will experience profound loss that shakes the foundation of our lives. Life can emulate art if we apply the above advice. Most truly interesting literary and cinema stories start with a great tragedy just before the hero or heroine is forced to set out on a rewarding new adventure.
If you have survived a great loss, be on the lookout for the adventure that beckons. A tragedy is not the end of your story.
The last word(s)
Q: I work with a boss that is often right, but I have to put up with him arguing with me a lot. I do like learning at work and I learn from him, but is arguing the only way to learn?
A: Yes, it often is. As basketball coach John Wooden observed, “Surround yourself with smart people who’ll argue with you!”
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(Daneen Skube, Ph.D., executive coach, trainer, therapist and speaker, also appears as the FOX Channel’s “Workplace Guru” each Monday morning. She’s the author of “Interpersonal Edge: Breakthrough Tools for Talking to Anyone, Anywhere, About Anything” (Hay House, 2006). You can contact Dr. Skube at www.interpersonaledge.com or 1420 NW Gilman Blvd., #2845, Issaquah, WA 98027. Sorry, no personal replies.)
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