Q: When I attend meetings, I try hard to say a lot to influence people toward my viewpoint. I find the more I talk, the less people listen to me. There are some people who say little and seem to get listened to intently. How can I get more attention for my ideas in future meetings?
A: You get more attention for your ideas if you mostly listen and speak much less. If you observe any business meeting, you can tell who has the most influence and respect. Generally, it is the person who says the least. You can also tell who has the least influence and respect, and it is the person who says the most.
Effective leaders and those who have power in organizations have learned that superb listening skills mean less speaking is necessary. When these people do speak, they understand the heart of the matter and address the issue concisely and with influence.
People at work may forget what you say especially if you say too much. People do not forget those who understood them and their needs. When we open up the heart of our listeners, we also open the opportunity to sway their opinions.
The mind of a listener is much harder to influence. The more words we speak, the more tightly the minds of our listeners close. People experience us selling them and automatically stop thinking about what we’re saying. The harder we sell, the less others pay attention.
The more you effectively listen, the more you understand the hurdles you face in persuading others. If you cannot address these concerns, your point of view is dead in the water.
Good listening involves throwing aside your own point of view, repeating back in your own words what you are hearing for clarification and asking detailed questions.
If you can set aside your own opinions and experience, you’ll almost always find a way that others can get what they want and you can get what you want. If you cannot get outside your own ideas, you cannot create ways for others to get what they need because you’ll have no data about what they need.
I point out to my clients that many of us carry around this book of rules that we feel strongly everyone else must obey. The problem is that everyone else is carrying around their rule book and has no interest in ours.
There is considerable impulse control involved in realizing no one else cares about our holy book of rules. They have their own book. If you can listen and learn about their rules, you may sway their opinion. If you insist they obey your book, you’ll only alienate those you need to help you.
The last word(s)
Q: I am blown away by how many stupid things people around me do at work. I could spend all day criticizing co-workers. Is there a way to be effective when everybody around you appears to be an idiot?
A: Yes, don’t peg your well-being on everyone around you changing. Peg your well-being on changing the way you respond to being disappointed in others and you will change your world.
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(Daneen Skube, Ph.D., executive coach, trainer, therapist and speaker, also appears as the FOX Channel’s “Workplace Guru” each Monday morning. She’s the author of “Interpersonal Edge: Breakthrough Tools for Talking to Anyone, Anywhere, About Anything” (Hay House, 2006). You can contact Dr. Skube at www.interpersonaledge.com or 1420 NW Gilman Blvd., #2845, Issaquah, WA 98027. Sorry, no personal replies.)
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