Q: Another business owner and I have been working together closely for many years and suddenly this person won’t refer business to me. Friends tell me this person is mad at me. I am upset personally and professionally. What is my best course of action?
A: The best course of action is to send a diplomatic email making it clear you think you have done something that upset him or her and welcome a conversation. If he or she is willing to have a conversation, do not defend yourself or explain; simply listen and paraphrase. Ask this person what he or she needs from you to make it right.
In conflicts, you will always lose if your need to explain and defend yourself is stronger than your need to continue the relationship. Yes, you will often be misunderstood and the other person may have his or her facts wrong. Yet you will gain nothing by being desperate to immediately receive understanding.
Instead, seek to understand both your colleague’s point of view and his or her version of the facts. You’ll find that by paraphrasing what he or she says, he or she will slow down and actually think about his or her theories. Paraphrasing engages people’s brains. Explaining yourself engages other people’s need to be right.
When we cannot or will not listen to a negative story another person has about us, we lose the opportunity to influence their interpretation. The negative story recycles in another person’s head and her or she doesn’t think about conflicting facts. When we listen, and paraphrase, the other person has to think. They will hear conflicting facts and entertain changing their opinions.
Most of us work way too hard during conflicts. The easiest solution is to be quiet, listen, repeat back what the other person believes, and then ask him or her what he or she wants to make it right.
By being calm, listening and understanding, you have just undermined the belief you are up to no good. People who are up to no good usually refuse to listen to accusations that they are no good.
If your colleague, despite your best efforts, will not talk to you, then that is no reflection on you. You don’t know the whole story about what is going on with him or her. I promise you that whatever is going on it is mostly about that person, not you.
In the event your colleague refuses to engage you in problem solving, seek other referral sources. When we lose a relationship, we only lose that person we don’t lose the business opportunity. You will bounce back faster if you move on and recreate your business partnership with other people who have better conflict skills.
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The last word(s)
Q: I look around at the news and global business and worry about the human race. Is there a suggestion you make to your clients to remain productive with so much bad news around us every day?
A: Yes, I echo to clients the advice of Socrates, “Let him that would move the world, first move himself.” If every day you improve yourself even a little, then you are taking the most powerful step to improve the world.
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(Daneen Skube, Ph.D., executive coach, trainer, therapist and speaker, also appears as the FOX Channel’s “Workplace Guru” each Monday morning. She’s the author of “Interpersonal Edge: Breakthrough Tools for Talking to Anyone, Anywhere, About Anything” (Hay House, 2006). You can contact Dr. Skube at www.interpersonaledge.com or 1420 NW Gilman Blvd., #2845, Issaquah, WA 98027. Sorry, no personal replies.)
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