Q: I’ve been in my career for 30 years and am demoralized at how shallow most people are. The narcissism and low loyalty astonish me. A long-term colleague just stopped communicating with me and I’m so disappointed. What’s wrong with people and how can I work within this dysfunctional workplace?
A: You can work well with people by realizing these problems are not unique to you, your relationships or your workplace.
Most adults have three significant emotional challenges: 1) self-absorption 2) lack of empathy 3) low capacity for attachment. At the same time, most of us expect that people consider our needs, want to meet our needs, and care about us. We feel confused and sad when reality and our expectations crash into each other.
I’d estimate about 10% of adults can see the needs of others, imagine how their behavior makes others feel and are capable of deep attachment. Thus, if you have 10 people in a meeting, one person may have emotional maturity.
The reason most adults lack these skills and capacity deficits is not because they are malicious. The truth is they don’t know there is another way to be. The sad consequence for people that lack these abilities is that the biggest goodies in work and life require empathy and human attachment.
Attachment and empathy inspire us to leave each person better than we found them.
Without empathy we can go reeling around creating suffering and be oblivious to our effect.
As Oscar Wilde observed: “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” Self-absorbed people are unable to learn about their bad effect because their ego is too fragile to hear any accurate feedback.
Be aware that lack of empathy and attachment are deeply rooted character deficits. You are fighting a losing battle to try to change people who lack these capacities.
Instead develop a keen evaluation of who you trust and who you trust to act badly. The first step in effectiveness is always assume people have the three problems above. Now sit back and see who proves you wrong.
The good news is that if you have empathy you’ll see others’ needs and craft your statements appealing to their self-interests. By assuming people lack empathy you will stop being mad all the time.
Obviously you still want what you want. Accepting the low psychological maturity of people doesn’t mean liking it or agreeing it is good. You will still drive your career car toward your goals but first you’ll articulate how you can help others with what you are doing.
Navigating the world as it is doesn’t mean giving up our peace of mind. Accepting reality means we have the freedom and power to get what we need despite living in a world that never makes getting what we want easy.
The last word(s)
Q: Do I have to actually like my co-workers to be effective?
A: No, you can thank your lucky stars no one at work can read your mind. Your results, however, depend on acting in an interpersonally skillful way even around people you personally find unpleasant.
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(Daneen Skube, Ph.D., executive coach, trainer, therapist and speaker, also appears as the FOX Channel’s “Workplace Guru” each Monday morning. She’s the author of “Interpersonal Edge: Breakthrough Tools for Talking to Anyone, Anywhere, About Anything” (Hay House, 2006). You can contact Dr. Skube at www.interpersonaledge.com or 1420 NW Gilman Blvd., #2845, Issaquah, WA 98027. Sorry, no personal replies.)
(c) 2019 INTERPERSONAL EDGE DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.