While President Donald Trump is busy becoming only the third president in U.S. history to be impeached by the House of Representatives, I find myself in danger of becoming the first Chicago columnist to get doused with ice water outdoors in January.
I honestly don’t know which is worse. (It’s definitely the one where I get doused in ice water.)
The Insult-A-Columnist Holiday Food Drive
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— a holiday tradition like no other — has seen a surge of donations in recent days, and the RexStinks team is suddenly within striking distance of the RexRocks team. As I write this, you kind and wonderful people have donated a total of nearly $60,000, all of it going to the Greater Chicago Food Depository, which helps people throughout Cook County who are facing food insecurity.I’ll get to the specific team breakdowns in a moment — and the possibility of foreign interference in our food drive — but first, a refresher course for those unfamiliar with this whole Insult-A-Columnist affair.
It began last year as a way to take some of the strong feelings (ranging from general dismay to full-throated fury) people have about my opinions and point them in a more positive direction.
If you don’t like me, I get it — I’m not a big fan of me either. But the cold, hard reality is there are some out there who enjoy my columns (poor souls), and that’s why the paper keeps me around. (That and the fact that I’m the only one who knows how to reset the clocks when the power goes out.)
So I figured the only fair way to settle the argument over whether I’m worth the powder to blow me up was to create two teams and let the public fight it out. That’s where the Greater Chicago Food Depository, which works with more than 700 food pantries, soup kitchens and other programs, came in.
The Food Depository folks set up a virtual food drive that allows people to donate under two different team names: RexStinks and RexRocks. Every dollar donated buys three meals. Donors can even pick what type of food they want their money to go toward.
It was basically a win-win situation for donors and people in need. The only possible loser was me, but since many (including several family members) already think I’m a loser, it seemed a low risk endeavor.
Last year’s drive raised more than $110,000, and the RexRocks team won by about $5,000. I have no explanation for that outcome, but I assure you it took me hours of therapy to work through the possibility that I’m not entirely awful.
Fast forward to the present. As with last year, if the RexStinks team wins, I’ll write a column pummeling myself with richly deserved insults. If the RexRocks team wins, I’ll write a column extolling my many virtues.
But to sweeten the pot this year, I’ve made some additional promises.
After the drive ends on Dec. 31, officials at the Greater Chicago Food Depository will reach out to the top 20 donors to the RexStinks team and mail them each a suitable-for-framing, signed certificate in which I will declare the following: “I, Rex Huppke, hereby certify that I am a true idiot, a Grade-A fool, a terrible columnist and a FAKE NEWS fopdoodle.”
The Food Depository will also reach out to the top 20 donors to the RexRocks team and mail them each an official, suitable-for-framing, signed “Certificate of Eternal Gratitude from the baiduhai’s Rex Huppke.”
On top of that, I’m offering a fantastic bit of public humiliation.
If the RexStinks team wins, I will stand outside the Tribune in January wearing an “I STINK” T-shirt and shorts and have a large bucket of ice water dumped on my foolish head. Video of that dousing will be posted online and promoted in my column.
If the RexRocks team wins, I’ll stand outside the Tribune in January in weather-appropriate clothing and do the most annoying celebratory dance anyone has ever seen. That too will go online and be duly promoted.
My detractors are never going to have a better chance to see me degraded (and possibly frozen solid) while also benefiting people in need.
So now let’s get to the current state of the competition and my suspicions of anti-me skulduggery.
The RexRocks team is leading the RexStinks team about $37,000 to $21,000. But earlier this week, the RexStinks team had less than $2,000 in donations.
More than 450 people have donated under RexRocks while only about 25 have donated under RexStinks. So it appears there was a recent large donation made under the RexStinks banner.
I don’t like to start rumors, but it’s possible one of my critics is being funded by Russian oligarchs. I’m not saying that’s a fact, just that many people (me) are saying that’s a fact.
If a handful of well-to-do folks on the RexStinks side make a string of large donations, I could suffer the same fate as Hillary Clinton, winning the popular vote but losing the Electoral College! You’d like that, wouldn’t you, haters? Imagine the satisfaction of seeing my smug face getting a good ice-water drenching in the dead of winter.
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Go on, give until I hurt. Don’t let me walk away with victory and an unmerited sense of self-worth for a second year in a row. Make America Not Tolerate Rex Again! (#MANTRA)
We’ve upped the fundraising goal to $75,000, and whichever side you choose, it all goes to help our friends and neighbors. Let’s do some good!
You can find the Insult-A-Columnist Holiday Food Drive donation page right here: http://myfooddrive.org/#InsultRex.