Let’s just cut to the chase with Stevie Sunshine’s Power Rankings:
1. Luscious
It’s time for an explanation. No, Luscious is not a Brooklyn indie pop band, and, no, Luscious is not a female impersonator. Those are two of the better guesses I’ve received since I introduced my weekly power rankings. So, let me end all the emails and Twitter questions about the name that has been atop this list from the start and always will be: That’s my name for the woman I love.
2. Bacon
Fellow baconeer Dan Bernstein of WSCR-AM 670 discovered one of the world’s greatest bacon hacks at the Whole Foods hot buffet. Because cooked bacon weighs far less than the raw product and because Whole Foods charges by weight, not the product, Bernstein took to the airwaves to point out that baconeers could get six rashers from heaven for about $1.50. And that created a shortage at some Whole Foods. I love Bernstein for finding an all-time bacon hack. I hate Bernstein for telling anyone except me.
3. Joe Maddon vs. the “lineupistas’’
That’s the Cubs manager’s derisive term for people who police his batting orders, and they were the target of Maddon’s sneak preview of his lineup for Wednesday’s getaway game against the Mets. Maddon said it would be “interesting,” and sure enough, there was Kyle Schwarber forced back into the leadoff spot from which he fell so far last year that he was sent to the minors to learn how to hit a baseball again. Schwarber struck out three times Wednesday, as if the lineupistas needed to be aggravated further. You be you, Joe. Just as long as you stay in first place. Oh, and if you’re going to tweak those who think you’re too stubborn, then next time, bring in Jon Lester to relieve Kyle Hendricks with a four-run lead.
4. The end of the NFL preseason
Never has it seemed so useless, what with the Bears almost never playing their starters and having an extra practice game to underscore the waste of time the whole exercise is. Apparently, rookie coach Matt Nagy used so-called good practices as a shield to make sure his first-stringers were healthy enough to make the season opener against the evil, dreaded Packers look like they needed a dress rehearsal.
5. Ruffino 2015 Chianti Superiore
I used to love Ruffino’s tan label. But this is better. And this is not a recommendation, people. It’s just a statement of what I like. Don’t @ me, you oenoistas out there, and you know who you are.
6. Ghirardelli dark chocolate with caramel
You’ve heard about the health benefits of dark chocolate, right? A decent amount of soluble fiber, lots of minerals, some good fats. Look, I don’t know the science behind it, just the deliciousness. But between the antioxidant value of dark chocolate and red wine, I figure I’ll live forever.
7. Lucas Giolito
After no-hitting the mighty Red Sox for 4 2/3 innings Thursday thanks largely to his Bugs Bunny changeup, the young White Sox right-hander delivered his fourth straight quality start. It’s as if Sox starters are playing “Can You Top This?” Giolito has dropped his ERA more than two runs since the end of May. Baseball development like it oughta be. So, c’mon, everybody, we can’t miss a chance to go all Boz Skaggs here: Lido, whoa, oh, oh, oh.
8. Matt Leinart
After Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers agreed to a record-setting $134 million contract extension, the failed quarterback and former NFL first-round pick tweeted: “If I was faster, had a better arm, didn’t check the ball down, took chances, had just an overall better body with more hip mobility, I’d be @AaronRodgers12 and worth a whole hell of a lot of money. #goat #beatyouincollegetho #respect.”
9. A Chi-cation
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Long holiday weekend, hotel room in the city, see a play, visit the Art Institute before the John Singer Sargent exhibit leaves, enjoy a couple of dinners and not care whether Roquan Smith takes a rep in a team drill.
10. Jelly Belly gourmet jelly beans
But only the Cold Stone Creamery mix of ice cream flavors. Who doesn’t love ice cream? And you don’t get stuck with cruddy jelly beans like licorice (yuck), chili mango (that’s a salsa, not a candy) or buttered popcorn (would you people stop already?).
Twitter @steverosenbloom