Ask Anna is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.
Dear Anna,
I’m a lesbian and have fallen in love with my pansexual best friend. She is scared to fall in love. How do I put her mind at ease? —Scared To Fall
Dear STF,
You can’t. Love is terrifying. If it wasn’t, then it wouldn’t also be so amazing and transformative and insane-making. Love is the safe harbor, but it’s also the storm.
Living fearfully is hard, but she’s not wrong to fear. Fear is instructive. It shows us what we’re willing to fight for.
All you can do is keep showing up for her, to show her that your love is the small but steady cup from which everything good fills and empties and fills. Show her that your love is patient and demands nothing and that she can take all the time she needs. Show her that you are worthy of her love, however it may manifest, and that you aren’t attached to any one outcome. Show her your love has no hidden agenda. And make good on that promise.
Love her soft spots and her dark spots and meet them as much as you can with tenderness. Love her even if she can’t return that love right now, or maybe ever. Love her because doing so fills you with aliveness and abundance and the reverberations of the universe. Love her even though it comes with no guarantee. Love her even though you can’t control anyone’s actions except your own. Love her despite the certain and exquisite and unavoidable pain that accompanies giving your heart to someone. Love her with the knowledge that all things end and change can happen in an instant and that we’ll never have enough hands to hold this much happiness.
Love her the way you’d love yourself.
Ponder the idea that every relationship we have is a relationship with ourselves and ask yourself what you would give to yourself if you were scared of falling in love. Then give it freely. Would it be time? Mix tapes? Therapy sessions? Space? Friendship? Adrienne Rich’s “The Dream of a Common Language”?
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Ponder the times that you have been shown love in the past. How have others made you feel loved? What grand gestures and tiny acts of service have melted you? Emulate them. Give and give and don’t expect anything back. Give knowing that giving is the entire point. The giving is the love.
Every love has the potential to be an apocalypse. You asked about your best friend and would-be paramour, but I’m talking to you now. How will you put your own mind at ease? How will you show up for yourself? How will you let this love transform you?
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Send it below, or email [email protected].