Ask Anna is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.
I’m 30 and still a virgin. I’m really nervous to date because people might think that my lack of experience is weird. Any advice?
“This feels like such an awful situation to be in when you’re in it, and so embarrassing, even if you know (or think) you shouldn’t be embarrassed,” says Katie Heaney, author of (among other books) the memoirs “Never Have I Ever: My Life (So Far) Without a Date” and the recently released follow-up to that, “Would You Rather?,” which details Heaney’s foray into her first relationship at age 28.
“For me, my virgin status came up on my second date, sort of involuntarily, because my date and I were talking romantic history and there were only so many ways for me to say ‘I have none’ before it was pretty clear. Luckily, she was cool about it, and still is.”
A lot of people approach dating and relationships as a series of predefined steps that must be adhered to by X date, otherwise they’ll be doomed to a life of celibacy. But the truth is that there are no actual “deadlines” for experiencing firsts — kiss, date, relationship, reverse cowgirl, etc. Such arbitrary deadlines only serve to make us feel bad about ourselves.
Despite all the slutty pop culture refs, the hookup apps, and the “sex, sex everywhere!” vibe, millennials will likely have fewer sex partners than their parents did. (Dads! The original sluts.) And, according to the CDC, the median number of sexual partners in one’s lifetime (for hetero men, at least) is … six! We’re hardly banging like bunnies, is what I’m getting at.
My main advice is to treat your lack of experience as a positive, not as something “weird” or a source of shame. Because it’s not anything to be ashamed of. You have no sex baggage! Or “moves” you think will work on everyone! You can approach sex as we all should — with curiosity! Even if someone has slept with scads of people, each new person brings entirely different likes, dislikes and expectations, so you effectively have to start from scratch each time. As Heaney puts it, “I have limited experience, but I think an individual who wants to sleep with you is less likely to care about your inexperience than you think. Anytime you go to bed with someone new, there’s going to be stuff to figure out, but that’s true regardless of your experience level.”
More Top Picks Photophobia In Children When To See A Doctor
Heaney also points out that you don’t have to advertise your inexperience right away. “I don’t think it’s something you have to disclose super early if you don’t want to — it doesn’t put the other person at risk of anything, so it’s your secret to keep if you want to.” But, she adds, “I also wish more people were more open about it so we all felt less weird, and you could be one of those people!” If pressed for whys, you can always tell dates that you had other life priorities that you were focusing on that were more pressing than sex.
And, as with all things, what you do (or have yet to do) has little bearing on who you ARE. If you’re a kind and engaging human who treats people with respect, this is much more important than how many bases you’ve rounded.
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Send it below, or email [email protected].