Ask Anna is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.
Dear Anna,
My recent ex and I have the same friends. Is it possible to be friends with an ex? We’re currently not talking at all — relationship wasn’t working. — Ex-Factor
Dear EF,
It’s entirely possible. But not, usually, without some time, separation and reflection, which you are currently taking, so you’re on your way. The biggest barriers in the transition from ex to friend, and their remedies, are as follows:
You don’t give yourself enough time or space to heal
Because of your shared history and (presumably) mutual fondness for each other, it’s tempting to want to jump right into being friends. This can work, particularly if you weren’t together for very long, but more often than not, we need some distance in order to heal our heartaches, adjust to the new reality of the situation and reflect on what we truly want. This is much harder to do when you’re still seeing your ex all the time or sending each other cute GIFs of raccoons stealing cat food. The antidote is to take a complete hiatus for a period of time — no texting, no hangouts and no sex (more on this to come). The amount of time you need will depend on a variety of factors. I’ve found it helpful to set a deadline to “check in” and see how both of you feel. If, for instance, you choose 30 days, but after that period is up you still need more time, then you can tell them so and extend the hiatus.
You want to get back together (or turn them into a booty call)
AKA, you don’t really want to be “friends.” You want to be friends-plus or you want them to see the error of their ways and come back to you. Not saying this never happens — it totally does! — but while you’re taking the necessary time and space for you, it’s helpful to reflect on why you want this person in your life. Do you want their emotional care-taking or validation? Do you really enjoy their company? What does this person add to your life as a friend? And also ask yourself what about the relationship wasn’t working for you. Clarifying your thoughts and feelings will help you determine whether a friendship is a good idea or not.
It’s perfectly normal to want or hope for a reconciliation — just don’t let it cripple you or make you stuck in denial. You can harbor those desires and, after a specified break, inquire about them with your ex. But only one time. If they say no, then respect it and shut it down.
Also: When you do get together the first few times in a friendly way, avoid drinking. The more sober you are, the less likely you will fight (or have sloppy sex). Or both.
You have “bad” feelings at the thought of them moving on
How do you know you’re ready to try to be friends? A good rule of thumb I’ve found is to ask myself, “Will I be happy for them when they find someone else?” If the answer is, “No” or “Blegh!” or “I’d rather pour Malort on an open wound!” then you need more time. If the bad feeling doesn’t go away for a long, long time, then that is probably indicative of a deeper wound, and one you might consider exploring with a therapist or other mental health professional.
Good luck, EF.
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Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Send it below, or email [email protected].