Ask Anna is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.
Dear Anna,
I’m crazy in love with this man and had a male-male-female threeway with him. I never did anything like that before and truly can take it or leave it, even though it’s pretty intense. He didn’t let me know this side of him until after moving in together, but said he doesn’t need it if I don’t want to and agreed not to bed another woman. He has said he’s had more than his share in the past. He’s in his mid-40s and I’m in my mid-50s. Do you think he could be happy with this arrangement for the long haul, or is he gonna want other women? I don’t have any desire for another man. — Three’s A Crowd
Dear TAC,
I want to tell you something comforting, that you are enough and you will always be enough and f— anyone who tells you otherwise.
But, you know what? You’re not enough. None of us are. The whole concept of “enough” is flawed. Because we’ve been sold this lie about romantic partnerships and how one person should be our everything — our best friend, our greatest confidante, our hottest sex, our closest emotional support system, our therapist, our roommate, our travel companion, and on and on, and that is too much for any one person to possibly fulfill and we should stop pretending otherwise. We can’t be all things to all people. We can’t even be all things to one person.
Instead, I encourage you to revel in your glorious not-enough-ness.
Is your partner going to want other women? Yes. Does that mean he won’t be happy living a threesome-free, monogamous life with you? Not necessarily.
We will always desire people who aren’t our partners. Attraction doesn’t stop just because we decide to shack up and get monogrammed towels with someone. You say you don’t have desire for other men now, but I assure you, you will. Will you still be happy in your current relationship? Probably!
While we can’t stop desiring other people, what we CAN do is trust our partners when they say, “You’re enough for me,” and that they’re happy being monogamous with you. I realize that’s difficult, especially since he wasn’t super forthcoming about his MMF threesome desires from you until you moved in together, but sex is fraught and sometimes people need a little extra time to feel comfortable expressing desires to loved ones.
So, keep building that trust, and also don’t be afraid to ask. Desires change, needs change, relationships change. This is the good news. Don’t be afraid of change. Be afraid of stasis. You don’t know how you will grow, or if you’ll grow together with your partner. This sounds terrifying, but there’s actually great freedom in it. Keep talking to each other. Keep trying to meet each other’s needs. Keep cramming as much love and joy as possible into each other’s lives and hope that it’s enough to overcome the grand challenge of sharing one’s life and space with another human for years and years on end.
The best any of us can do is continue to tend to each other and stay curious about each other and fill the gaps of our not-enough-ness with whatever makes us feel fulfilled.
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Send it below, or email [email protected].