Welcome to the XXIII Winter Olympics coming to you live from Naperville . We’re standing here up to our knees in snow outside the municipal building where the opening ceremony will begin as soon as someone can find the key.
Our Olympic hopefuls are being led by none other than our wonderful Mayor Steve Chirico, who will be proudly waving one of the banners he pulled from alongside the Riverwalk. The highlight of the evening is expected to be the lighting of the Olympic flame from a torch brought into the arena by the one person still to finish the Naperville half marathon last October.
While we are waiting, let’s talk about what to expect from this year’s games. Although hosting the event is new to Naperville, it’s not the city’s first time around the ice rink. We have more Olympians per square foot than any city in the Midwest probably deserves to have. Names in the Naperville Hall of Fame include javelin thrower Tom Petranoff, swimmer Kevin Cordes, Paralympian swimmer Alyssa Gialamas, ice hockey silver medalist Molly Schaus and who could forget the great Evan Lysacek , the 2010 gold medalist in ice skating.
Our fiscally-aware city has been able to utilize several existing areas in order to keep costs down. The luge will take place from the fifth floor to the bottom of the Van Buren Parking Deck in tuk-tuks. As well as saving money, another benefit is that for only $25 each, passengers will be able to watch the action up close and personal.
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Each year curling is becoming more and more popular. Due to a slight misunderstanding between the International Olympic Committee and the City of Naperville, this will take place at Zano’s hair salon. The exciting half pipe competition is scheduled for the skateboard park on the Riverwalk, and skiing, of course, down Rotary Hill.
New events are added every year to the games and this year is no exception. Naperville is happily calling on some local traditions to showcase the best of its winter season to the rest of the world.
Pot holing will see a two-person team filling holes on Route 59 with tarmac against the clock. Once complete, competitors drive over it as quickly as possible with points awarded for depth of new hole, distance of scattered stones and damage to vehicle.
Frontier Park will be the venue for snowblower races. Taking place at the end of the games, they will coincide with Naperville Ale Fest. The disadvantage is that ale drinkers may have to dodge snowblowers charging around the park at full tilt, but this will be more than made up for by a fresh sprinkling of ice in their drinks every two minutes.
Have you heard about the new winter triathlon? First, competitors will race to Sullivan’s where they will drink two cocktails and a bottle of wine. From there, they will skate over to Pinot’s Palette where they will have to paint a picture of the Olympic rings blindfolded. For the final part, they will ride up the stairs to the top of the Carillon on bicycles, with the winner being the first person to ring the bell and carry out all the repairs needed to the tower.
But now back to the opening ceremony. The crowds have taken their seats inside the council chamber and the lights have dimmed, signaling either that the ceremony is about to begin or a government shutdown means there’s no money to pay the electricity bill.
Across the darkened room floats not one thousand, not two thousand, but two drones controlled by a student of Still Middle School and his dad. The result is less than spectacular, but draws a gasp from the crowd as the drones gracefully float toward each other before crashing to the floor in pieces.
The pace kicks up a gear as the sound of drummers is heard advancing across the car lot, through the foyer and into the chamber. As the students of the Naperville North Drum Show come into full view, the crowd erupts. I would describe the atmosphere as electric, but sadly there’s no money to pay for that until next summer.
As the drummers march around the chamber, a giant puppet is seen struggling to get through the entrance. It appears to be a coyote, but it could be a deer whose antlers got caught in the door frame.
At long last, it’s time for the parade of nations. Thousands of competitors from around the world and Naperville in brightly-colored clothes are entering as the crowd goes wild, although that could be because they’ve just spotted the well-oiled, half-naked flag bearer from Tonga. There’s a huge cheer for our neighbors to the north, Elgin, just before our team enters led by the mayor and the Naperville Trolley filled with members of Naperville Municipal Band playing the Olympic anthem.
Here come the athletes! There are supposed to be 5,000 competitors, proud winners of Naperville Magazine’s Best Olympic Team in Naperville, but we are still waiting for 3,678 of them currently stuck in traffic on Washington Street. They’re looking resplendent in their uniforms. The blue jeans and yellow polo shirts sponsored by Bob’s Discount Furniture are very striking, but the ladies do seem to be finding the fake beards a little scratchy.
This is odd. Some people are handing out flyers. One or two have loud hailers. Let’s go over to our NCTV reporter Liz Spencer, who is dangling over the parade in a giant crane for a better view. What’s that Liz? Sorry, you’re breaking up … Looks like Liz has got caught up in a ceiling fan, but just before she took off, I think she said some local politicians heard there was a parade and didn’t want to miss an opportunity.
Did you hear that huge cheer? That was for what promises to be our most popular event this year, Naperville’s first-ever women’s bobsled team. Naperville councilwomen Becky Anderson and Judy Brodhead will be joined by Chamber of Commerce President Nicky Anderson as they race along the frozen DuPage River between the Hotel Indigo and Fredenhagen park. By the way, any concerns that the ice might not be thick enough were dispelled when pedalos [paddleboats] were put on stand-by as a back-up. Looking good, ladies!
If you’ve enjoyed today’s report, remember to join us for the start of full Olympic coverage on Monday morning, when we bring you Inside the Olympic Village, direct from Monarch Landing with a food segment on that traditional Naperville staple — the fish fry with members of the VFW.
Hilary Decent is a freelance writer who moved to Naperville from England a decade ago.