One of my fondest childhood memories is traveling to Alabama with family to celebrate my grandparents 50th, 60th and 65th anniversaries. All told, they were married 67 years.
One of my biggest regrets is never having asked them what they learned was key to a happy, long lasting marriage.
They’ve since passed on. While I can’t ask my grandparents that question, on the eve of Valentine’s Day, I talked with three south suburb couples who’ve been married at least a half century and a psychologist who counsels couples.
Glenwood residents John and Joan Collins will celebrate their 63rd wedding anniversary in May.
“It really doesn’t’ seem like it’s been that long,” said Joan, 82.
They met when she was 16. John said he was attracted to his wife’s character.
“Without the character, you can’t get to the love,” said John, 84.
Joan said she was attracted to John’s caring nature.
“He is such a responsible and caring person and such a gentleman,” she recalled.
Aside from deeply caring for each other, like Joan and John, long time couples also have similar interests, experts said.
Couples “who seem to stay together the longest tend to have similar goals and values,” said psychologist, Stephanie Livingston, founder of Biopsychtech of Chicago Ltd., which has offices in South Holland, Chicago and Michigan City, Indiana. Livingston is also author of a self-published book, “Long Shot: Beating the Odds to Love and Happiness.”
Joan and John had a plan from the beginning — get married when John turned 21 and have enough money for their own place. The couple supported themselves and two daughters initially by working in the telephone industry and later for many years they were entrepreneurs; John ran a furniture upholstery and drapery business and later owned and operated a laundromat. Joan ran her own daycare.
John and Joan also attribute their marital longevity in part to never going to bed angry at each other.
“Sometimes we’ve missed a lot of sleep, but we’d talk it out until we settle things,” Joan said.
“It starts with love and trust, and we respect each other’s opinions.”
And John knows the importance of showing affection.
“We still hold hands and tell each other that we love each other,” said John, who doesn’t understand couples who don’t.
They also rely on each other. When John had knee surgery, she wouldn’t hear of him going to a rehabilitation center. She took care of him at home.
“I know him. I know what he likes,” she said. “I know how to take care of him.”
“I know if I ever got caught in a bad situation and am hanging on by my fingernails, I know Joan would be doing everything in her power to save me,” he said of their bond.
Joan said she also knows he’ll always be there for her.
And on Valentine’s Day, John said he will again give his wife a bouquet of flowers.
Karen “Penny” Kerr and Norman “Buddy” Kerr have been married 50 years and six months.
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The couple, who reside in Olympia Fields, attended elementary school in Morgan Park. Norman’s family moved to the Chatham neighborhood in Chicago, but he often returned to the city’s Morgan Park to visit friends in that neighborhood. He hadn’t been close to Karen, who had also never shown any interest in him.
“I don’t know what possessed him to knock on my door one day,” she said.
Norman was initially attracted to her good looks.
“I didn’t know very much about her personality or character but I wanted to,” he said.
Karen said they were opposites, but she fell in love with his soft spoken manner.
“We could sit sometimes and talk for hours,” she said. He was very nice and patient. He was always such a gentleman.”
Karen was an activist, and she liked the fact that he was supportive of her endeavors.
“There were a lot of differences that we had,” she said. “I’m very social, talkative. At that time, I was a member of (Southern Christian Leadership Conference). I did a lot of work recruiting and training. I would say, I’m going to do this or … I have to go to a march. He accepted me as I was. He never said, ‘you can’t do that. You shouldn’t go there.’ The only thing he said, was ‘be careful.’ “
When he popped the question, “I felt so good about a future with her,” he said. “There are givers and takers. She’s a giver and a loving person.”
Over the years, she worked as a Chicago Public School teacher and school administrator. He was a self- employed certified shorthand reporter. They raised three children.
Among their fondest marital memories are family road trips. And the tough times included struggling financially, amid sometimes unsteady income.
“Some months were very lean,” Karen said. “At one point, we had three children in college at the same time, all in private schools… Just trying to work with those financial situations was challenging.”
How did they handle disagreements?
“Prayer and sometimes I would fuss,” she said.
Norman’s even temper and approach to arguments has been a marital asset.
“When I would be mad and anger and fussing and acting crazy, he would just start singing,” she said. “He’s an excellent singer.”
It wasn’t that he was trying to drown out her fussing, rather he would serenade her and that would calm her down, she said.
Having an effective means of diffusing arguments and tensions is important, and helps sustain healthy long lasting marriages, Livingston said.
Livingston advises couples to walk away when arguments overheat and resume the discussion when they are no longer angry.
“I like to look at the big picture,” said Norman, who doesn’t sweat the little stuff. “You have to be tolerant, and if you love each other, you’ll make it.”
Karen said: “It’s important to “understand that everybody is not the same. You have to be understanding, to look at the other side.”
On Valentine’s Day, the couple usually goes out to dinner.
Donna and Edward Wright Jr. met at a lounge in Robbins. There, a spark lit that led to their nearly 53-year marriage.
For Donna, it was fate.
“I had told my mother when I met him that was the man I was going to marry,” she said. “I liked the way he talked to me and I did believe that God had put us together.”
Edward proposed over the telephone while serving in the Army in Germany.
Edward, now pastor of Cathedral of Love Missionary Baptist Church in Chicago, is a retired CPA, who formerly worked for Ernst & Young and operated his own practice. Donna worked as comptroller for Junior Achievement for many years and also was a finance manager for a health information management systems organization. The couple raised three children.
What has kept them happily married for so long?
“We believe the key thing is prayer and communicating with one another,” Donna said. “We don’t try to change one another’s ways.”
“It’s important to learn to listen to one another and to know how and when to compromise,” Edward said. “With open communication, you can take care of the molehills before they become mountains.”
The two also don’t mind being silly, Donna said. “We have fun with each other, and we’re not afraid to show affection whether at home or out on the street. We have that kind of bond and love for one another.”
Their plans for Valentine’s Day? It’s a secret, the Matteson couple said.
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