Ask Anna is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.
I am 70 and more interested in sex now than ever before. My partner, however, has erectile dysfunction and is embarrassed to get help. How can I please him?
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Here’s what you do. Sit him down. I’m envisioning over a steaming plate of nachos, but, you know, ladies’ choice. As the melted cheese runs down your ecstatic and contented chins, breathe huskily — not because you’re seducing him but because it’s hard to talk with nachos in your mouth. Then ask him earnestly, “How can I please you?”
One doesn’t need to have erectile dysfunction to enjoy being asked what they like in bed. And to be listened to when they tell you. If he doesn’t know how he likes to be pleased other than PIV (penis in vagina) sex (though by one’s golden years, I would hope he had some ideas!), you can list specific items — oral, manual, mutual masturbation, anal, nipple stimulation, kink, with toys, with Nutella, with queening chairs, etc. — and then pick and choose like your bodies are an all-you-can-eat buffet at a Luby’s Cafeteria and you brought your favorite full-body poncho bib.
I suspect your “real” question isn’t logistical, however, and more along the lines of: “How can I help my partner deal with his embarrassment and let him know I still want to do all the sex with him?”
To that end, assure him that your idea of sex includes more than just super-erect Voltron penis pistoning. Assure him also that bodies are strange, imperfect machines that don’t often work the way we want them to. Like, I’m nowhere near 70 and I can’t jump on a trampoline without peeing a little. I also sneeze if I get turned on too quickly. (And also I once snorted pepper because Cosmo said this would “enhance orgasm.” IT DID NOT. But I did climax while crying. A first!)
My point is that having empathy for our partners goes a long way — especially when things go awry, because they will! Nothing brings one’s insecurities out like a sex fail, so being attuned to that, not taking it personally and approaching the situation with lightheartedness or even a little humor will help tremendously.
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Send it below, or email [email protected].