Ask Anna is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.
Dear Anna,
I am a straight male freelancer in my early 30s; I love traveling, cooking and having adventures. I am my own boss, I own my home and I dance in my free time. Why am I still single? My best friend says it’s the city, not me. Is she right? Or is there something wrong with me? Why does every woman I date want to be friends — or stay single so she can keep playing the field? —Field Of Dreams
Dear FOD,
It’s definitely you. Since the alternative to “it’s you” is me trying to fix an entire city to accommodate your dating woes. I’m not Spider-Man!
That said, as much as I love blaming cities for things, if you’re not about to move to another place, then let’s work with what we got.
What can we blame though? You’re adventurous, you cook, you’re an adult, you even dance! I find no fault in these things. And, knowing very little else about you, I can only vaguely gesture at why the stars haven’t precisely aligned for you in this matter of the heart.
The usual script follows something like, “Your expectations are too high!” Or “You come across as needy or insecure!” Or “You’re not putting yourself out there!” Or “You’re afraid of intimacy!” Or, if you really want to know what’s “wrong” with you, the internet has no shortage of quizzes you can take to determine why you’re so darn unlovable.
Maybe one or all of these things can “explain” something about you or your singleness. But, then again, maybe we are more complicated than a Psychology Today listicle or a BuzzFeed quiz comprised solely of GIFs.
The truth is that real, worthwhile connection is rare and monumental and beautiful, and if it were something we could find with the swiftness and ease of a Taco Bell chalupa, then it wouldn’t be nearly as rare and monumental and beautiful.
Maybe the hard (boring, non-listicle-y) answer is that you simply haven’t met her yet.
In the meantime, while you’re waiting, are you creating the conditions to ensure you’re ready for the kind of relationship you most want to have? Are you, in the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Mak(ing) the most of yourself … for that is all there is of you”? Are you the kind of person others want to be around? Are you intentionally trying to better the lives of others? Are you dealing with your baggage in therapy? Are you cultivating unique interests and skills and habits and can you speak about them passionately?
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These are all more intriguing questions to focus on rather than “Why am I still single?” And I urge you to consider them before going on a horrid hunt for all your flaws and imperfections and then setting about correcting them, which will somehow ensure that the perfect mate comes out from the boulder under which she’s clearly been trapped all these years!
You know? Just a thought.
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Send it below, or email [email protected].