Ask Anna is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.
Dear Anna,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for three years now. I’ve wanted out for a while. We work and drink and f—. I tried to do the responsible thing and break up with her face to face, with honest intentions and without sleeping around behind her back. Now, my honest intentions have become the backbone of her argument: “You obviously still love me and we can work this out.” As much as I don’t care for the words, I’m an “empath.” I take on people’s habits, emotions and mannerisms. Over the past couple of years I have become her, and I don’t like it. She’s an insomniac; she sleeps all day. I’m now up all night and all day. She’s got health issues that won’t allow her to eat regularly, and now so do I. I don’t know what to do. I want to be free to explore other kinds of sex and relationships. She is determined to see her own life in ruins if I don’t take her back. We live together. She’s in the bedroom. I’m in an extra room. I listen to her cry day and night. As cold and heartless as I’ve become to her, I cannot hold out forever. Apparently a hollow facade of a relationship is better than having to start over with someone else or embrace the uncertainty of being alone.
—Breaking Up and Personality Types
Dear BUAPT,
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I say this as someone who (historically) stays in relationships for far too long. As someone who has wrung the last drops of blood from a decaying animal, because to leave was “too complicated,” or it was the “wrong time,” or I genuinely believed a person was the person for me. I told myself these stories and it didn’t change anything. It didn’t make the relationships less over. It didn’t shield me from the tidal wave of grief that washed over me as my life dissolved.
You know this. You know what you need to do—you need to get out of this relationship, the house you share, the life you share, the strange habits of hers you’ve internalized. This relationship is destroying you both.
I don’t care where you go, but don’t stay there, not even in a guest room. Listening to your girlfriend cry through the wall is a form of emotional masochism that will not aid in your recovery! If you absolutely cannot leave, then be away from home as much as you can until one or both of you can move out. Create an exit strategy. Give yourself a 30-day deadline and then stick to it. You’ve made the decision. You’ve faced the pain. Now stop prolonging it.
This isn’t about “resolve.” It’s about your life. How will you push past the fear and emotional inertia you’ve cultivated over the years and build habits that actually serve you?
And while you’re breaking away from this relationship, I want you to take an icy, hard look at the choices you’ve made that led you to this cliff of despair. I hear a lot of blame in your voice and your word choices. I hear excuses. But not a lot of accountability. Why is that? It’s possible your ex/pseudo-ex is a garbage monster, but life is rarely ever that easy and clear-cut.
I want you to become an explorer of your lowest lows. How did you get here? What will you do differently next time? You aren’t going to stay the same person you are right this moment. You can’t. So, what will it be next? Who will you be next?
Get your shit together and start moving on. The choice is yours. You are the arsonist, but you are also the fire.
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Send it below, or email [email protected].