Ask Anna is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.
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Dear Anna,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for several months and have developed quite the thing. We care for each other immensely, but she is moving to England for a job as a university professor. I’d like to join her, as I enjoy England and would love to be with her, but there are two big problems that stand in the way: First, it is nearly impossible for me to find work in England, and without a visa, I can stay for six months tops. Second, I’m not sure we’re ready to move in together, and without a job I can’t afford to live in England alone. What do I do?—Sent from my iPhone
Dear SFMI,
That is a pickle. How does your girlfriend feel about this? Is she on board with you possibly upending your life and being your sole source of emotional (and probably financial) support while you adjust and try to find work? I’m assuming you have talked to her about this, but if not, move that to the top of your priority list. Topics to broach include: Where do you see this relationship heading? That may sound obvious, but, since moving abroad will fast-track your relationship, the future is something you both need to be thinking about. What are your long-term life goals? Marriage, kids, property, travel, ponies, gravy boats, portable jacuzzis, etc.?
Not to be a Debbie Downer, buuuut the odds are stacked against you, I’m afraid. Barring the real, major life transition struggles—visas, employment, cohabitation, learning to like English breakfast—your relationship is also still in its infancy. You’re not even sure if you’re ready to move in together! To leave your job, friends, family, communities and security in order to cross the pond with a newish girlfriend will put a tremendous amount of pressure on your relationship.
This kind of major life move puts pressure on even the most steadfast, yearslong relationships. So know that, if you do decide to go, you’re gonna have to put in a lot of work upfront to make this work. Are you prepared to catapult your relationship from the honeymoon phase to that shit-is-real-oh-my-god-what-have-we-done phase?
It’s also important to ask yourself questions like:
Will making this move be a plus or minus when it comes to achieving my goals and dreams?
What am I sacrificing for this relationship, and will this lead to resentment?
How much do I want to depend on my girlfriend for financial support?
How will not working impact my social life and my morale?
What happens if we break up?
How will I get home?
Perhaps most importantly: What’s the worst thing that could happen, and can I live with it?
Also, is she leaving, like, tomorrow? Or do you have some time to prepare and plan? Can you cohabitate for at least a little while, so that you’ll have a better idea of how you’ll get along in that setting? If so, do that. Trial run!
All said, my inclination is to tell you to wait, be long-distance for six months and then assess how both of you feel and decide if you still want to make the move. This will also give you time to look for work or telecommuting opportunities. But the decision is, of course, ultimately up to you and your girlfriend. Talk, talk, talk and talk some more. Over prepare. Make calculated leaps. Be as honest as you can. And do try the spotted dick if you go. It’s better than it sounds.
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Send it below, or email [email protected].
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