Ask Anna is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.
Dear Anna,
My marriage fell apart four years ago. I’ve been single ever since, and at this point, it feels like I’ve forgotten how to love. What can I do to remedy this?—Forgetting Every Example of Love Stuff
Dear FEELS,
You could no sooner “forget” how to love than you could forget how to breathe.
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Even if you’re talking about romantic love and not other kinds—platonic, familial, Nutella—we are all social animals hardwired for connection (and to eat, sleep and bone).
When we strip away the poetry and accoutrements, love is a neurochemical response that lasts long enough to convince us it’s a good idea to pair-bond, aka propagate the species. Once the high wears off, your attachment cues kick in, hoping you’ll stick around awhile, even though humans are needy sacks of smelly meat who are guaranteed to disappoint you sooner or later.
Do I sound pessimistic? I don’t mean to be. But love isn’t as mumbo-jumbo-witchy-magic-fairytale as the world wants you to believe it. And, often, the myths and stories surrounding it prove to be more harmful than helpful to us when it comes to sustaining a relationship with aforementioned messy meat sacks.
So, dear FEELS, you have not forgotten. You may, however, be feeling bereft of love. What you can do to remedy that is to remind yourself how much love there is all around you. Start by showing some love to other people! Help five people a day just for the hell of it. Do so with no reciprocity in mind or benefit to you at all. Be selfless. That’s love.
Choose kindness, even when it’s easier not to, even when you’ve had a shit day. That’s love.
Watch the sun rise or set. Watch children playing. Pet a dog. Volunteer at a hospice center. Bake some mf-ing cookies. That’s love and love and love.
Meet as many people as you can. Be nice to eccentrics. Be nice to waitresses. Be extra nice to baristas—they are your therapists and servers and moms all in one and make very little money. Tell your parents you love them. Tell your kids. Thank that high school teacher who told you being an artist was a worthwhile profession. Compliment strangers. Compliment your coworkers. Make a fresh pot of coffee in the office when you find it’s empty. Send flowers to someone who is feeling lonely. Send flowers to yourself. Include a note that says, “You’re a dreamboat.” Send a nice note to a sick kid. Give a buck to a street performer. Decide to view everything around you as worthwhile and beautiful. Write a poem. Choose to be grateful.
And, perhaps most of all, stop worrying about imagined catastrophes. Such fruitless hair-pulling stops us from fully living. And loving.
Your heart is a vessel of infinite potential. Now go act like it.
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Send it below, or email [email protected].