Ask Anna is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.
Dear Anna,
I’ve been single for three years due to past abuse from narcissistic partners. Went to therapy and feel more stable. How do I get back out there?—Ready Or Not
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Dear RON,
Good on you for getting the help you needed. I won’t get into how to avoid dating narcissists (unless that’s something y’all want to see in a later column. If so, email me.) Instead, here are my Super Single Support Suggestions, or SSSS’s.
Know what you want
This may seem obvious, but a lot of people approach dating the way McDonald’s approaches Chicken McNuggets—just throw some sh-t into it and see what comes out. It’s important to think about what kind of person and relationship you’re after. For instance, would you be okay with something casual/physical, or not so much? Being clear about what you want will help you avoid situations that might make you feel uncomfortable or like you’re wasting your time.
Take a “let’s see what happens” approach
Even if you want to find someone to spend the rest of your life with, it’s still better to approach dating from a more casual standpoint. If you go on a first date thinking they’re your No. 1 perfect soul mate, that’s going to muck up your expectations and maybe your behavior and maybe scare them off. Zero expectations = zero disappointments.
Think of it as a game
While you shouldn’t put too much stock in any one date or any one person, the objective is still to have a good time. To that end, you should be enjoying yourself! Let this philosophy guide you. If going to countless bars does not sound riveting to you, don’t do that. Think about things you’ve always wanted to do or try, then do them with your dates. Even if they end up being duds, at least you’ll have had an experience.
Try not to endlessly overanalyze
Don’t obsess over unreturned texts or why someone didn’t call you back. You’ll drive yourself banana sandwiches—and honestly, you’ll probably never learn the truth anyway. If someone you like doesn’t reciprocate in whatever way, take a minute to feel all the feels, then move the f–k on. You’re too interesting and amazing to bother with such pettiness. Which brings me to …
Have a life!
Make dating one small part of your life, like one-tenth of it, and devote the rest of it to your own awesomeness. Maintain close friendships. Develop hobbies. Volunteer. Get the cut-glass abs that King Triton has in “The Little Mermaid.” He’s like 85 years old, so if he can do it, so can you. Think about what kind of person you want to become. Let your ambition and your dreams run wild and then achieve as many as you can. Not only will this make you more interesting and give you more things to talk about, it’ll make you less needy and available.
Prepare for rejection
People forget about this aspect of dating, but it should not be overlooked. You’re gonna be rejected. And that’s fine! Maybe this will be relatively benign or maybe it’ll be more crushing. Either way, it’s fine. Really. Rejection is good. You should only be around people who want to be around you. The rest can go take a flying leap to Naperville and stay there for their excellent public education system or whatever!
If you’re struggling with putting yourself out there, there’s also a literal game that helps people get over their fears called Rejection Therapy. It looks super fun, and maybe you can bribe a friend to try it with you one night to see if you can get dates, strike up conversations with strangers or challenge someone to thumb wrestling.
Good luck, RON. You’re in for a wild ride.
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Send it below, or email [email protected].
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