David Ross, who is getting more air time time now than he ever did with the Cubs, will be at a North Side Jewel on Friday to pitch his new cereal.
Now there are three Cubs cereals on the market — Zorilla Crunch, Grandpa Rossy Crunch and RizzOs. So let’s line them up and test them out.
Type
Zorilla Crunch: “Toasted oats with marshmellows” (traditional spelling is marshmallows; but maybe these aren’t your ordinary sugary confections)
Grandpa Rossy Crunch: “Frosted corn flakes” (why not bran flakes — or corn pops?)
RizzOs: “Honey nut toasted oats.” (well, Rizzo has said he likes oatmeal)
Packaging
Zorilla: Zobrist looks even more like Brad Pitt on the box, but couldn’t they have put more cereal on the spoon?
Rossy: Cereal company didn’t have rights to the Cubs logo for the cap, but could have put more work into the photo-shopped “R” on Ross’ blue cap
RizzOs: Nice image of Rizzo presumably catching World Series winning putout — and bunting on the outfield wall, which you never see at Wrigley
Weight
Zorilla: 11.5 ounces (a mysterious 2.5 ounces less than the others, despite Zobrist’s on base percentage)
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Rossy: 14 ounces
RizzOs: 14 ounces
Nutritional claim
Zorilla: Good source of 12 vitamins and minerals
Rossy: Good source of Vitamin D and Vitamin A
RizzOs: Good source of 12 vitamins and minerals
Taste
Zorilla: The marshmallows add the extra sweetness every good cereal needs. A bite without them is rather bland, just like the Cubs’ offense lately
Rossy: #FlakeNews: Is it our imagination, or is each bite is a little less sweet than the real deal? It’s good, not grrrreat
RizzOs: Hint of honey, but after a while it begins to taste like the cardboard it’s packaged in. Oh well, at least the “O” shape has inspired the Cubs’ scoring this season
Back of box
Zorilla: “Help Ben Zobrist hit a Home Run!” maze
Rossy: Ad for his book “Teammate”
RizzOs: Promotes Anthony Rizzo Family Foundation
Winner
Zorilla. Why? Three reasons: marshmallows (or “marshmellows”), maze — and Brad Pitt
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