Ask Anna is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.
Dear Anna,
I am a 30-year-old lesbian from Minnesota. When I moved to Chicago six years ago, I kind of went a little wild in the lesbian love scene. (Can you blame me? Minnesota was pretty dull.) I’ve had a serious partner for over a year now and about two other “relaxing girlfriends” before. But my girlfriend gets so upset with me mentioning any other experience I have had with others. I don’t know if it’s her or me overreacting. We both seem to be happy, but I don’t like the fact I can never mention an ex at all. I am very over all of them, but if I mention them at all it seems to be an argument. Any advice? —Sent from my iPhone
Dear SFMI,
About 78 percent of my ex-girlfriends are from Minnesota so I cannot speak ill of the Land o’ Lakes, but I’ll take your word for it. Also what is a “relaxing girlfriend”? Is it like a La-Z-Boy that goes down on you?
Jealousy over a partner’s past is incredibly common. It’s also kind of absurd because, except for rare circumstances, any partner you’re with has probably had sex with someone who wasn’t you. What would these jealous folks have us do? Go back in time and not have those experiences? Do they really expect us to waste a perfectly good time travel opportunity on that?
What’s really at the heart of the issue is insecurity. It’s possible your girlfriend thinks your past partners were hotter, that your sex was more exciting or kinkier, that these gals did things to you that are illegal everywhere except the darkest corners of Thailand, etc.
You know her jealousy is not rational, but what can you do to change this?
For starters, you can do some digging to find out what it is specifically about your exes that triggers her insecurity. If it is simply “that they exist,” then that is beyond the scope of this column (and requires therapy and tedious self-reflection on her part). But in either case, it’s worth talking about with her. Try to be empathetic and as open-minded as you can. No one is the “bad guy.” You’re a team, trying to solve a case. (I guess you’re a team of lesbian detectives. Which should totally be a TV mini-series.)
It will help if this conversation goes both ways. Think of something that makes you feel jealous or insecure, and ask/answer these questions: What do I fear will happen? Do I feel threatened? If so, why? Does this feeling remind me of another experience I’ve had?
Maybe something happened in her past that she never fully dealt with. Maybe she needs more reassurance from you or to know that she sexually satisfies you more than your past partners did. Maybe she needs reminders of how happy you are with her. The goal is to get underneath the jealousy, which is usually a surface emotion for a deeper hurt. Once you find out what that buried hurt is, you can start taking steps toward healing it.
Good luck!
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Send it below.
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