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player ready...So, I’m browsing the local book store and chanced upon what seemed to be a book – only 20 pages, but it cost $14.95.
Of course this was a book about cats. Cat lovers will buy just about anything about cats, even books that almost aren’t there.
Each page of the book had a cute saying – “Cats are kittens.” That’s page 1. “Kittens that pounce.” That’s page 2. “Cats purr ‘I love you,'” “Cats curl up in your lap.” You get the idea.
Don’t get bent out of shape, all you cat lovers. I confess to being a cat lover, too.
Kate, the gorgeous white cat who allows my wife and I to live with her purrs and curls and does all that adorable stuff. She also likes to gnaw on plastic bag handles and for reasons unknown to me she occasionally misses a great big litter box.
But, back to my point.
I am a professional writer and Kate is a professional cat. Why couldn’t I write a 20-page book about her and make $14.95?
Because I don’t take photos. Did I not mention that the book I saw had color photos on each page?
I don’t own a camera or a smartphone. I am kind of a technological troglodyte. So, I bought a disposable camera and started stalking Kate.
But whenever I would click and the flash flashed, Kate would bolt as if the Hound of the Baskervilles had just smashed through the front door.
Sometimes, she wouldn’t bolt when she saw me aiming but would leisurely lick her posterior. Who on earth is going to pay $14.95 for a book with photos of a cat diving under the dining room table – “Cats fear humans” – or licking her bottom – “Cats are disgusting.”
On those rare occasions when I got between Kate and the dining room table she would merely collapse in a boneless heap – “Cats are terrified.”
I gave up.
Soon after that the camera disappeared.
I have bad dreams about it.
Sometimes when I’m asleep I dream that I see a camera flash go off in my face.
I look.
Nothing there.
A noise maybe. I’m not sure, a little soft padding noise.
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Paul Sassone is a freelance columnist for Pioneer Press.