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On the one hand, I feel like I should congratulate Nick for choosing an age-appropriate woman when the majority of his harem was born during his middle school years. On the other hand, man, does Vanessa seem like the wrong choice. Even the dude’s dad knows it!

To kick off the episode, ABC has flown Nick’s gigantic family to Finland (because in the winter, how expensive could that really be?). He has a million siblings, but for some reason, Bella is the only one who’s marked as important, which sort of makes me feel like ABC is grooming her to be “The Bachelorette” in 10 years.

They love Raven. They see the chemistry with Vanessa. “Don’t make the same mistake again, man!” Nick’s dad tells him. She’s obviously his type, but has he had luck with his type before? No. So pick sweet, adorable Raven, who will help you get out of your head without causing all sorts of conflict. Oh, and also, she can live in this country no problem. Win-win!

I won’t bore you with the details of the rest of this episode. Minus when Nick brought out husky puppies for Raven, it was pretty much a slow march toward the inevitable. Vanessa also said, “It’s nice to know that Santa Claus sees and believes in a future for me and Nick,” which is hard to process on many levels.

Then we have to sit through “After the Final Rose,” which was its usual brand of expected, except for two things. Chris Harrison has gotten a terrible dye job (seriously, man, you should sue), and they make Rachel meet four of her contestants right there on live TV.

What? No! This is not how it’s done! I know you’re desperate to shake things up, but ambushing Rachel on live television with losers who say things like, “I’m ready to go black and I’m not going back” (KILL ME NOW) is not the answer! Don’t make this weird, ABC. Let Rachel have a nice, normal garbage-television season. Just my two cents.

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