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Human beings are not meant to watch three straight hours of “The Bachelor.” It isn’t natural. The U.S. government should use it as an interrogation tactic. By the third hour, you’re questioning all the life choices that led you to this moment. Oh God, there have been so many mistakes.

The first hour, a wrap-up of last week’s episode, was full of confusing moments. Look, I’m happy Raven finally got the big O, but I don’t need to endure a montage of her high-fiving everyone in Finland like some poor man’s Joseph Gordon-Levitt in “(500) Days of Summer.” Also, did she not know you can give them to yourself? Sex education isn’t the greatest in Arkansas.

Rachel had a great date, which leads me to ask: Why did ABC spoil her elimination? Why did you deprive us of the genuine shock and outrage of her being sent home? “The Bachelor” rarely surprises me, but that would have been a good one. But we can all be thankful Rachel was spared a lifetime (or even a short engagement period) of awkward jokes like, “I may be white, but I’m still a minority.” Really, dude?

Vanessa, proud Canadian, had a date that consisted of running back and forth between a sauna and a freezing tub of water to see how long she and Nick could submerge themselves, I guess? They said it was like going through the obstacles of a relationship, which I think is a pretty weak metaphor, even for “The Bachelor.”

Then we have two hours of “Women Tell All,” which was essentially the Corinne show. Chris Harrison called her the most controversial woman of all time because I guess he hasn’t heard of Hillary Clinton. She handed out cheese pasta to everyone (poor Taylor stared at hers sullenly), refused to apologize for any behavior and took a stand for nappers everywhere. Confession: Corinne is garbage, but I’m with her on naps. Naps are great, and anyone who has a problem with them can go to hell.

Other things happened, but it boils down to the women alternating between yelling at each other and preaching that women should build each other up. And if they got too loud about either one, Chris Harrison could whistle to get their attention like a pack of dogs, so this show is exactly as feminist as you think it is.