Dear Anna,
I love a woman who has no romantic interest in me. (It is not so much about me, she has her reasons for no romantic interest in anyone.) We talk every day. We go out several times a month. We have discussed our relationship. The boundaries are set and respected. She has previously encouraged me to date and pursue others. I considered doing so a few times, but they are Not-Her. I describe myself as self-neutered. I suppress and ignore my intimacy needs, both sexual and emotional. To do so I embrace Taoism and Wu Wei. It has been two and a half years, and I am preparing myself for a lifetime of this attitude and circumstance. Others tell me, “Go ahead and be her friend, and also get yourself out there and find someone with whom you can have a complete relationship.” Am I making a choice or am I messed up? (Probably both!) —Alone
Dear Alone,
You are making a choice—many choices, in fact. Whether those choices are serving you is a different matter entirely. Your use of the term “self-neutered” is troubling to me, as well as the admission that you are willingly suppressing and ignoring your own need for sexual and emotional intimacy. But more troubling than that is how you seem to be so OK with this that you have assessed the situation and decided you’re perfectly fine with repressing your own desires and basic human needs forever, no prob.
You should care about yourself, Alone! Sexual and emotional intimacy are valid and necessary and vital to one’s health and livelihood. Are you really interested in a lifetime of celibacy and emotional constipation? If you were writing a check list of My Best Possible Life, is that what you would choose?
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Forget this woman entirely for a second. It’s you who deserves your love and care and admiration. You have put yourself in romantic purgatory, and I’m wondering why. Her and Not-Her are not your only options, Alone. The world is full of lovely, emotionally available women who might possibly be interested in you if you would give them half a chance. Ask yourself why you have staked all claims on this one person. Is she Oprah?
If she is not Oprah, then take her off the pedestal you’ve put her on. She is not the perfect woman whom no one else can ever compare to. She’s just a person, with flaws and hang-ups and probably a fridge full of expired mustards.
My advice to you is to step back for a minute and treat this situation like getting over a breakup. Spend less time with her. Spend more time on yourself. A lot more time. Become obsessed with you. Fixate on you. If therapy is available to you, I would look into it as an option.
Above all else, don’t torture yourself needlessly. Value yourself and your vulnerability and your heart. You are worthy of romantic reciprocity. Do not settle for a lopsided friendship that causes you to embrace eastern philosophies in order to better suppress your feelings!
There are so many different paths to happiness and fulfillment, Alone. Choose one that expands—not limits—you.
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Email your quandary to [email protected].