My boyfriend and I were together for two years. He claimed to love me and said he wanted me forever. Yet, this is the sixth time he’s broken up with me. We’re both bisexual but didn’t feel the need to bring it into our relationship. After a year, he discussed non-monogamy. While I’m very open-minded, I didn’t agree with this. Before yet another breakup, he told me that he had to have sex with men a couple of times a year, and I had to take it or leave it. We looked for about four months and he broke up with me again. I know that this relationship is over. His verbal abuse has pushed me to my limit. However, my problem is that I can’t move past the pain. I feel broken, inadequate and that something is wrong with me. I understand the theories and statistics of non-monogamy and actually agree with them, but is it wrong that I just wanted him? —Stuck In Shame
Dear SIS,
You are not broken. You are not inadequate. And the reason your relationship failed (six times) had very little to do with monogamy.
Can you take that in? I’d encourage you to read it a few times until you believe it.
The reason you feel shamed and stuck is because you are, SIS. Your ex repeatedly bullied and shamed you, issued ultimatums and pushed you into doing something you didn’t want to do. You feel stuck because this relationship is a dangerous cycle that has played out again and again and yet you keep going back to it. You get unstuck by breaking this cycle. You get un-shamed by not engaging in behaviors that make you feel shitty or disregard your own feelings, even if you want to be a person who is accommodating and game.
You don’t want to be in a non-monogamous arrangement. You’re not conflicted about that, even though you rationally agree with the principles of polyamory. Don’t compromise your integrity to make someone else happy—it will backfire. It has backfired. I’m not entirely letting you off the hook here. Your ex sounds like a real garbage fire, but you were complicit in this. You took him back five times. You ignored your own needs and mislabeled it compromise. You chose a short-term agreement at the expense of your long-term happiness.
Put yourself first. You’ve tried other people, now it’s time to try you. This is going to sound ridiculous, but hear me out. I want you to date yourself. Really court you, romance you, treat yourself like a goddamn queen, learn everything you possibly can about you. What do you want? What are your non-negotiables? What will you tolerate in a relationship and what will you not? What would you possibly consider tolerating if it was with the right person whom you trusted and wasn’t verbally abusive? Write it down. Hell, send yourself a love letter. Be unflinchingly honest. Look at your past unhealthy patterns and make a promise to yourself not to repeat them. And then once you’ve figured out your relationship fundamentals, don’t go back on them.
You deserve better. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you’ll be able to move on and feel whole again.
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Email your quandary to [email protected].
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