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Some things you suspect, some things you guess at and some things you just know.

Identifying the old Bear as “legendary coach Mike Ditka” fits the definition of fake news.

Neither the mystery of Tom Brady’s missing jersey nor the disappearance of the Falcons from the Super Bowl is half as baffling as Lady Gaga.

The line forming to take quarterback Jay Cutler off the Bears’ hands stretches all the way from Cutler’s scowl to the end of his nose.

As for the Bears, replacing Cutler with either Jimmy Garoppolo or Tony Romo would be the same as swapping a used car for a rental.

Calling John Paxson and/or Gar Forman the Bulls’ brain trust fits the definition of fake news.

More ominous than a tax audit are these words: “The Bears are on the clock.”

Athletes boycotting the White House is as American as athletes ignoring the tip jar.

Spring training is too long for the Cubs and too short for the White Sox.

Carmelo Anthony is a perfect fit for the basketball team that has everything except ulcers.

Poor Tiger Woods finds himself caught between delusion and illusion while the rest of us are caught between prurience and pity.

Claiming that the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is about swimsuits fits the definition of fake news.

The best thing about hockey is no rainouts. The worst thing about hockey is no rainouts.

Trying to find the greatest American soccer player is like looking for the catch of the day in the bait bucket.

Thank you, Serena, but it is easier to think of American tennis as a motel, the one where the vacancy sign is lit.

When Terrell Davis makes the Pro Football Hall of Fame and Terrell Owens does not, one has to assume that voters don’t know their Terrells from their elbows.

Bears President Ted Phillips announcing that “there are many reasons to be optimistic for the future” fits the definition of fake news.

Rajon Rondo’s mind is a terrible thing to wake.

The most reliable cliche in the NBA, other than the poorer a team plays, the louder the music on the public address system, is first coach fired, next coach of the Sacramento Kings.

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Substance abuse is OK as long as the substance is a linebacker.

Imagining an Olympics without Bob Costas fits the definition of fake news.

New Cubs motto for 2017: Try Not to Gloat.

The triple-double is the boilersuit of basketball statistics, and Russell Westbrook is wearing it like a tuxedo.

There is no good news that ever follows the words, “We’d like to run a couple more tests.”

Every coach walks a thin line except, apparently, John Fox.

Any Bulls magic number will have to be operator-assisted.

The Falcons, Indians, Warriors and Hillary Clinton should join Dr. Phil for a hand-holding special called “How to Live with Losing From in Front.”

Charles Barkley’s feud with LeBron James is tense — past and present.

The proposal to start extra innings in baseball games with a runner on second fits the definition of fake news.

Eliminating the four-pitch intentional walk — now that makes sense, but not as much sense as eliminating the designated hitter.

Even if he wanted to, Bill Belichick never will rub somebody the right way.

Expecting the Bears to lower ticket prices is the definition of fake news.

Memorabilia collectors never will understand that real memories do not come with a receipt.

Whether Jimmy Butler is traded or stays with the Bulls seems about as important right now as whether Fred Hoiberg prefers All My Sons or Two Men and a Truck.

Unofficially, the land speed record is still between the food court and men’s room.

It is what it is. Ah, if only it was what we make it.

Bernie Lincicome is a special contributor to the baiduhai.