With his measured, conciliatory acceptance speech on election night, it appeared that Donald Trump was finally going to act presidential. However, the following weeks have indicated otherwise as the president-elect has again taken to Twitter. Here are some likely future tweets from the soon-to-be President Trump:
Jan. 20, 2017
It’s Inauguration Day. Proud to be your new president. Don’t see what the big fuss was about me adding the words “if I feel like it” at the end of the oath of office.
Jan. 21, 2017
White House is small, cramped and drafty. Couldn’t sleep last night. Will be living in Trump Tower until renovations completed to my specifications.
Jan. 22, 2017
Last night’s SNL totally rude and disgusting. Will not be watching future shows. Nor will anyone else once my good friend AG Jeff Sessions is done with them.
Jan. 25, 2017
Glad to welcome Donald Jr., Eric and Ivanka to my White House team. Since all three appointments are informal, there are no conflict of interest concerns.
Jan. 30, 2017
Will be meeting today with German Chancellor Angela Merkel. This shows how inclusive I am since it’s obvious she’s not even a 4.
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Feb. 2, 2017
Groundhog Day in Punxsutawney, Pa., my new favorite red state. No matter what the little fella sees, there’ll be at least 1,448 more days in my presidency.
Feb. 5, 2017
Concrete poured for new border wall. As a signal of my ability to compromise, I have agreed to lower the height to 30 feet.
Feb. 14, 2017
Happy Valentine’s Day to all my faithful supporters! Thank you for all the love! Thanks to Melania, too, for her profession of love.
Feb. 17, 2017
Proud to announce the appointment of my fantastic daughter, Tiffany, as secretary of style. She’ll help make America look great again.
March 15, 2017
FBI says today is Ides of March and the agency offers to act as my Praetorian Guard. I think that’s a typo. They must mean Ideas of March of which I have many, many great ones.
April 1, 2017
Told my opponent I won’t be prosecuting her for email scandal. Then again, it is April Fool’s Day. See you in Gitmo, Hillary!
David Martin lives in Ottawa, Ontario. He is the author of “Screams & Whispers,” a humor collection.